(I go to a tiny little private liberal arts school in the middle of nowhere. An older gentleman, clearly not a professor or a student, walks into the building looking confused.)

Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

Older Gentleman: “Yeah, I need an Asian kid.”

Me: *taken aback “What?”

Older Gentleman: “Yeah, I need an Asian kid. My computer’s messed up and I need one of them Asian kids to come fix it!”

Me: “Uh… you should probably talk to someone in the administration building. It’s right next door.”

(We are locating elements on the periodic table in my chemistry class. Note that sodium in its pure elemental form is toxic and combusts in contact with water, and is not to be confused with sodium chloride, AKA common table salt.)

Classmate: “Sodium? Is that the sodium that’s on like, a nutrition label?”

Me: “Not quite.”

Classmate: “So, like, can you eat it?”

Me: *smirking* “Yes. Once.”

(The teacher snorts when she overhears this.)

Classmate: “I don’t get it!”

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Teacher: “What happened sixty-five million years ago?”

Student #1: “The dinosaurs died.”

Teacher: “And why did the dinosaurs die?”

Student #2: “Chuck Norris.”

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Student’s Wife: “Hello, my husband applied and he got his book to study, but it’s too long and too big. Can you give me the questions that will be on the test?”

Me: “Uhm, well at the end of the book and on our website, you can get examples of what kind of questions will be on the exam.”

Student’s Wife: “Yeah, it’s too complicated. Can’t you just give me the questions that you will ask him?”

Me: “No, that would defy the whole purpose of an exam if we gave you the questions before the actual exam.”

Student’s Wife: “So, what is he supposed to do?”

Me: “He has the book; he actually has to study it.”

Student’s Wife: “Well, that sucks!”

(I answer phones for an office in a university. We often get non-traditional students, meaning older or working students, and they can be hard to work with. This gentleman has been constantly cutting me off mid-sentence by trying to answer his own question, and then asking me to repeat myself because I ‘talk too fast for him.’ Finally, at the end of the call, he asks me how he can get a stipend all residents in the state of Colorado qualify for applied to his tuition.)

Me: “Okay to get the stipend you have to apply for COF. I apologize, but because the stipend is not [university] exclusive, I don’t know the exact webpage. You can Google it and apply online there.”

Student: “Okay it’s on [university]’s website.”

Me: “No, it’s not a [university] exclusive thing. It’s a separate website. You can Google ‘COF’ and find it. Thats ‘COF,’ C as in—”

Student: “Oh okay, so P – R – O – F.com?”

Me: “No sir, C as—”

Student: “Okay! P!”

Me: “No! Sir, C as in—”

Student: “Okay, P – R – O—”

Me: “NO! Sir, it’s C as in College, O as in Opportunity, and F as in Fund.”

Student: “Okay, so C – O – F.com?”

Me: “No, I apologize but as it is not a [university] website, I don’t know the exact link, but when you google it, it’s the first link.”

Student: “Okay then!” *hangs up*