(I am waiting for the bus outside my school and notice a piece of paper sellotaped to a wall. There is graffiti on the wall, too, and I start reading.)

Graffiti #1: “Rovers [the local school’s team name] are s***t”

Graffiti #2: “no there not you’re mom was s*** last night :P”

Paper Someone Left: “Sorry to interrupt, but you do realise that you are using the wrong spelling, which could make your message hard to understand? First of all, add a capital letter to ‘No’ and a full stop at the end. Secondly, you should have used ‘they’re’ as in ‘they are’ instead of ‘there’, and ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’, which means ‘you are’. The first guy only missed a full stop, whereas you made many grammar mistakes. This is grammar you should have learned in primary school. Personally, I believe that the only s*** person, if any, is you. P.S. to the owner of this house: sorry about the graffiti those guys did. I would have written, too, if it wasn’t on someone’s wall.”

(Most of the students here are annoying brats, but at least now I know some are worth paying attention to!)

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(My class has been given an assignment where we have to take home a yellow paper flower and write down something unique about ourselves and stick our baby photos below it. This is for a guessing game we are to have the following day. I conveniently forget all about the assignment.)

Teacher: “[My name], why is your yellow flower not filled up?”

Me: “Oh Miss [Teacher], I tried the whole time, and I couldn’t think of anything special about me!”

(The teacher thought I suffered from low self esteem and lack of confidence, called my parents and had us talk with the counselor. I have since then made MUCH better excuses for not doing my homework.)

(It’s my senior year, and we’re partnered up to dissect a fetal pig. It’s grading day, and my partner and I are showing our pig to the teacher.)

Teacher: “Very good; this is A work.”

Partner: “So, we’re done?”

Teacher: “Yes, you can clean up now.”

Partner: “Awesome! I’ve been waiting to do this since we first cut the little sucker!”

(My partner removes the heart from our pig, and starts walking around the classroom, squeezing the heart and making “ha-doom” sounds. The teacher and I just stand there and watch him.)

Me: “This won’t affect my grade, will it?”

Teacher: “[My name], you just earned yourself a perfect score for having to put up with him for the last three weeks.”

(I assist my Taekwondo teacher with the junior martial artists, all aged five to about ten. I’m teaching them how to block properly. Note that I’m a tomboy and fairly short-haired, but not exactly flat-chested.)

Me: “…and that’s how you block upwards. Any questions?”

7-Year-Old Girl: “I have one!”

Me: “Yes, what is it?”

7-Year-Old Girl: “Are you a boy or a girl?”

Me: “…”

(I’m a university professor and I know from experience that students will do anything to make their papers seem longer. As such, I have very strict formatting requirements. The following exchange happens when students are turning in a short one-page essay. One of my students hands me a handwritten essay on a piece of notebook paper.)

Me: “Woah, wait just a second. What is this?”

Student: “That’s my essay!”

Me: “What?! This is unacceptable! This is in no way even close to the right format.”

Student: “But it’s one page long.”

Me: “I specifically stated 12-point, Times New Roman font, double-spaced, with one-inch margins.”

Student: “You mean you wanted it TYPED?”

(Well, she got me there. Leave it to college students to find any loophole imaginable. I took it for granted that they would know that universities expect typed essays. Maybe she went to Hogwarts?)