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Stories from school and college

The Best Sucking Grade

| Learning | September 1, 2013

(I’m in my ninth grade Honors English class, and my teacher is explaining why she hates when students get 89% for their grade.)

Teacher: “When you have an 89, you’ve tried really hard and you’re obviously really good, so I feel bad about not giving you the A. Now, if you got a 79, I have less sympathy because you’ve clearly been sucking on some of the work. And if you have 69, you’ve obviously been doing a lot of sucking—”

(She breaks off and the whole class is in tears with laughter.)

Teacher: “ONE OF YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED ME BEFORE I SAID THAT!”

Fire Him Once, Shame On You…

| Learning | August 31, 2013

(I am in fourth grade. The class has a substitute teacher. He seems normal, until I return from a trip to the bathroom to find him yelling.)

Substitute Teacher: “SIT DOWN!”

(I quickly return to my seat.)

Substitute Teacher: “As I was saying: you’re all idiots! You’re so stupid! You’re all going to work at dead-end jobs when you grow up! F*** you all!”

Classmate: “You can’t say that!”

Substitute Teacher: “Shut up, you little s***! You’re just a fat-a**!”

(Amazingly, the class basically returns to normal after that point, but we all go home and tell our parents what happened. The substitute is promptly fired. We move on to the middle school, where he is still employed. One day, I walk into sixth grade Spanish and there he is. Coincidentally, many of my same classmates are in the class.)

Classmate #2: “Oh, no… not him again.”

(A few minutes later…)

Substitute Teacher: “F*** you all!”

(He is fired after that episode too.)

Teaching Isn’t In Her Biology

| Learning | August 30, 2013

(We have a biology teacher who feels the need to inform the class that ‘a flower does not wilt because it is sad.’ It is just before the exams, as we’re going through a multiple choice practice paper.)

Teacher: “I am very disappointed over this next question because you all got it wrong! The answer was ‘B.'”

Student #1: *looking in text book* “But miss, it says here that ‘D’ is correct.”

Teacher: “That is right, ‘D’ is the right answer.”

Me: “So why have you marked us wrong if we answered ‘D?'”

Teacher: “Because you picked the wrong answer.”

Student #2: “But we didn’t! You just admitted the answer was ‘D,’ we picked ‘D’ and you marked it wrong.”

Teacher: “Well, when I taught you this subject—”

Student #3: “You didn’t teach us this subject. We never covered this subject in class. In fact, we went and asked [other bio teacher], and he gave us a tutorial in it over a lunchtime. And you’ve marked us all wrong when we weren’t.”

Teacher: “If you don’t like the way I teach, and if you’re not going to listen to me, then leave this f****** class now, and don’t come back.”

(Over half the class leaves; the rest are too scared. The teacher leaves the classroom and starts screaming at the students outside, not knowing that one has gone to fetch the headmaster, who happens to have been a science teacher. He arrives and hears her swearing at the students. We finish off the last two weeks with him as a teacher, and go into the exams feeling much more confident. I never saw that teacher again.)

Food Fights Of The Clone Wars

| Learning | August 30, 2013

(At the school I work at, children are only allowed to share food with their brother/sister.)

Me: *munches on some chips*

Seven-Year-Old Student: *holds out hand* “Please?”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t. We’re not sisters.”

Seven-Year-Old Student: “Yes we are! In fact, we’re twins!”

Me: “Except for the fact that we have different colored hair and eyes, different parents, and I’m much much older than you.”

Seven-Year-Old Student: “Uh huh. I’m a little you!”

Me: “That wouldn’t make you my twin; that would make you my clone.”

Seven-Year-Old Student: “That’s right; I’m your cologne!”

Can’t Cheat At His Game

| Learning | August 30, 2013

(I’m taking a really hard physics class, and instead of memorizing the formulas, I decide to write them down secretly on the desk before taking a test. The teacher notices me cheating.)

Teacher: “All right class, for this test we’ll play a game. Move to another desk right now that isn’t your own. Go on. Move!”

(Confused, the rest of the class move around. I am frozen, because I know the teacher knows. Reluctantly, I move to another desk.)

Teacher: “Aw look at that; no one sat in the desk with the special notes on it! Too bad.”

(He looks right at me, and I avoid his eyes. I feel ashamed of myself. The rest of the class looks puzzled. I never cheat again!)