(I teach a freshman world history class.)

Me: “And so the Italian Renaissance—”

Student: *raises hand* “So when are we going to learn about Ezio?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Student: “Ezio Auditore, and how the assassins freed Rome from Borgia rule?”

(Some of the other students are looking bewildered, and some are giggling at this point. As an avid gamer, however, I understand what has happened.)

Me: “Assassin’s Creed 2 is a video game. Ezio does not exist. He never existed. Now many other characters in the games are based on true historical figures, like the Borgia—”

Student: “No, he was real! The entire series is based on a true story!”

Me: *looks student in the eye* “NOTHING is true. Everything is permitted.”

(The student is quiet for the rest of class.)

(I’m in the fourth grade, and I have a teacher who makes me cry often. It’s the day after my older brother has died from pneumonia. The teacher is taking the register.)

Teacher: “[My Name.]”

Me: *flatly* “Here.”

Teacher: “Don’t take that tone with me!”

Me: *crying* “Y-yes M-Mrs. [Name].”

Teacher: “And WHY are you crying?!”

(As I look at her, my hands and wrist are a bit wet from wiping away tears.)

Me: “A family member passed away last night.”

Teacher: “Well, suck it up! We have work to do!”

(I’m very shy, so one of my closest friends stands up.)

Best Friend: “Mrs. [Name], do you even know which of her family members died?”

Teacher: *shrugs* “I don’t know! It was probably one of her aunts or uncles; she can live through that! She’s nine!”

Best Friend: “It was someone way closer; her brother died! He had pneumonia; he died last night. Do you how close they were? Do you understand why she’s so sad? Maybe now you’ll stop constantly making her cry!”

(The teacher uses the class phone to call the school office. The principal, a man who is friends with me, comes into our class.)

Teacher: “Good, Principal [Name], you’re here.”

(The teacher points to my best friend.)

Teacher: “This student has disrespected me! She should be suspended!”

(The principal calms the teacher down, and turns to me, as he knows I’m an honest person.)

Principal: “[My Name], what happened?”

(I explain everything, telling him why I am crying, and why my best friend had to stand up for me.)

Teacher: “[Best Friend], I think that you will have to leave the class now.”

(The principal turns to her again.)

Principal: “What for? She defended a shy girl, after you made her cry. You should ask before jumping to a conclusion. Now, Mrs. [Name], we have to talk.”

(The teacher ends up getting fired because of all the times she’s caused me to cry!)

(Our eighth grade social studies teacher is scatterbrained and constantly forgets things.)

Teacher: “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to class! Get your notebooks out. Today’s warm up will be about Los Angeles. Start working!”

(It turns out the question is about geography, and the ANSWER is Los Angeles. Of course, she has just accidentally given us the answer.)

Teacher: “Okay, so based on the geographical clues, can anyone tell me which city this is?”

Class: *in unison* “LOS ANGELES!”

Teacher: “That was a hard question! How did you all know?”

Student: “…because you told us as we came in.”

Teacher: “I did? Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid!”

(She walks to the blackboard and starts banging her head against it.)

Student: “No, don’t hit your head. That’s not a very constructive way to punish yourself.”

Teacher: “Then what would be?”

Student: “You could punish yourself by giving us the test answers.”

(At my middle school, we have a nurse who seems to hate everyone and everything. She is one of the meanest, angriest people I know. One day my friend has an asthma attack and goes to her. She can barely get the words out because she’s wheezing.)

Friend: “Help me! I can’t work my inhaler; it’s jammed!”

Nurse: *glaring* “You should know how to work your own inhaler. Do it yourself.”

Friend: “I do know how to work it, but it’s jammed! Help me!”

Nurse: *still glaring* “No. It’s not my job to help you kids with equipment you should be able to work on your own. Do it yourself!”

Friend: “…please…” *gasp* “…I can’t… breathe, you have extra…” *gasp* “…meds in the back…”

Nurse: “The extra albuterol? I’m not giving that to you. That’s for people who really need it. Your inhaler is right there.”

Friend: *turning purple* “But… it’s… ” *gasp* “…jammed…” wheeze* “…I… can’t fix it… please…”

Nurse: “No! You use your own inhaler and you do it now. I’m not giving you more meds.”

(My friend passes out on the floor. They have to call an ambulance. The paramedics question my friend.)

Medic #1: “Why didn’t you use your inhaler?”

Friend: “It was jammed! I couldn’t get it to work.”

Medic #2: “Okay, so why didn’t you ask that nurse to fix it?”

Friend: “I did! She wouldn’t; she said she wasn’t helping me.”

Medic #1: “Didn’t she have extra albuterol then? Why didn’t she give you some of that?”

Friend: “Because she said it was for people who needed it, and my inhaler was in my hand.”

Medic #2: “…but your inhaler was jammed, and you couldn’t use it. Let me get this straight… you asked her for help, she wouldn’t help you, then she wouldn’t give you any other medicine, and she let you pass out?”

Friend: “That about sums it up.”

Medic #2: “Glad I don’t work with that b****!”

(My RA has my roommate and me together, drawing up a roommate agreement. I have a strange sense of humor, and am making it hard on the poor RA.)

RA: “So, [My Name], if you found drugs or alcohol in [Roommate]’s possessions and I wasn’t there, what would you do?”

Me: “I would wait until she came home, and then confront her about it.”

RA: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “Then I would ask her to share them with me. I don’t like buying my own because they’re expensive.”

RA: *not fully listening* “Okay, assume I’m actually there. I am at your door, knocking, and you found this stuff. What would you do?”

Me: “I can’t very well have you finding it…”

RA: “Uh-huh…”

Me: “So I would consume as much of it as possible and feed the rest to the goldfish before you banged down the door.”

RA: *finally realizing what I’ve been saying* “What…no! NO!”