(I teach a religion class at a private school. We are doing a unit on Christianity. I am explaining the concept of regeneration.)

Me: “Basically Christians believe that when you convert to Christianity, your spiritual self is regenerated into a new, better version of you.”

Class: *blank stares*

Me: “It’s like when you re-spawn in Halo, but instead of re-spawning as the same old space marine, you re-spawn as Master Chief.”

Class: “THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!”

(The professor is writing a math problem on the board.)

Student #1: “Shouldn’t that be one over three, rather than three over one?”

Professor: “Oh, you’re right.”

(The professor erases the numbers, and then writes them up in the same place.)

Class: *laughs*

Student #2: “Um, professor…”

Professor: “Oh dear.” *corrects it very deliberately* “It’s been a long day.”

(I am stuck in the office waiting for my aunt to come get me from school. My aunt stalks in, mumbling about bad children. She and the secretary start to talk about general stuff when there’s a loud yell from the hall. We all look out the door just in time to see my cousin running down the hallway, wearing a towel as a cape and her swimsuit over her clothes.)

Cousin: “I AM THE NIGHT! Fear me!”

(Following close behind is the gym teacher.)

Teacher: “[Name]! You get back here this instant!”

(My aunt puts her face in her hands.)

Aunt: “Where did I go wrong?”

(From the down the hall, my cousin howls.)

Me: “At least it’s better than when we—”

Aunt: “NO! Do not try and make this better!”

(There is a boy who has been physically and verbally bullying me since fourth grade. In elementary school, the teachers saw the bruises on me but ignored them as they didn’t want to deal with it. We are now in sixth grade, and I am walking down the hall with a friend.)

Me: “So, did you hear about—OOF! OW!”

(The bully has just shoved into me and slammed me against a locker, making me drop my books. I fall over and he kicks me for good measure before running off.)

Friend: “Come back here, you little s***!”

(She chases him but he gets away. I hobble to the nurse’s office.)

Nurse: “What on Earth happened? You’re bruised front and back!”

Me: “[Bully] shoved me against a locker, knocked me down, then kicked me in the stomach.”

Nurse: “[Principal] will never stand for this. Let me go call him.”

(She calls the principal and I tell him my story. He is furious.)

Principal: “No. This does not happen in my school. I’ll deal with him.”

(He calls the bully into his office, and I can hear the yelling from the hallway. 20 minutes later, the principal comes back.)

Principal: “Come into my office. [Bully] would like to apologize to you now. Come on, [Bully], apologize.”

(The bully just sits there and glares at me.)

Principal: “[My Name], go back out. [Bully], we’re going to be here a long time if you don’t apologize. Make it easier on yourself. Say you’re sorry.”

(An hour later, he calls me in again.)

Principal: “[Bully] would like to apologize for real this time.”

Bully: “I’m sorry for pushing you in the hall and kicking you. I understand that was a terrible thing to do and I hope you forgive me. I also promise to not touch you or speak to you again without permission.”

Me: “…?!”

(The principal marches me back out.)

Principal: “There, he’ll never bother you again.”

Me: “But how… what did you do?”

Principal: *evil grin* “Oh, it doesn’t matter. Now go back to class.”

(I don’t know what the principal did, but the bully never went near me again. To boot, he is now on house arrest from a drug fight while I am at college on a full scholarship!)

(The year-nine class is starting to learn about pathetic fallacy, so we’re looking at emotions associated with weather.)

Teacher: “Take a look at this photo. Which emotions spring to mind?”

Student: “Bear Grylls!”

Teacher: “…that’s not an emotion. I’ve never felt ‘Bear Grylls.'”

(All students burst out laughing.)

Teacher: “There are some things I never thought I’d have to state at the front of a classroom.”