(I’m in a civilization class. We’re talking about ancient people of the Mediterranean.)

Teacher: “…and it’s suggested that some practiced homosexuality.”

Student #1: “Ew!”

Student #2: *to Student #1* “Really?”

Teacher: “If you have a problem with that, you’re not really going to like when we discuss the more warlike cultures. They believed having such relations on the battlefield made them better warriors.”

(The class, while not disgusted like Student #1, still takes a few seconds to try to figure out that logic. Then, one of the more spaced-out students speaks up.)

Student #3: “Does that mean prisoners could be considered great warriors?”

Teacher: “I’m not going to answer that.”

(We’re in English, and supposed to be reading ‘Lord of the Flies’ on our laptops, but the boys at the back of the class very obviously aren’t and are playing some FPS instead.)

Student: *rather loudly* “Yes! I got C4!”

(The teacher looks up.)

Student: “Er… from Piggy, of course.”

(I teach a business class, which has just done horribly on a rather easy multiple choice test.)

Me: “Overall, the test results were horrible. We went over everything on this test during the last three weeks.”

Student: “But the test was hard.”

Me: “I’ll make a deal with everyone: if you come to class every day, listen, take notes, and study one hour before the test, I’ll make the next test easy.”

Student: “If we do that, OF COURSE it will be easy!”

(I am speechless.)

(It’s the end of the school year. My sister’s university doesn’t let you receive your exam and subject results if you have outstanding fees with the university. She is away interstate with some friends when she realizes she has an overdue book fine, and that she has left her credit card at home. You can usually call up the library desk, but I have to pick up some stuff nearby, so I just go to her campus in person.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like to pay for an overdue book fine.”

Librarian: “Sure, have you got your student ID card?”

Me: “Oh, no I don’t. It’s actually for my sister.”

Librarian: “Oh, you’re not allowed to pay for that.”

Me: “Why?”

Librarian: *irritated* “I can’t let you pay for someone else’s fine.”

Me: “But it’s for my sister…”

Librarian: “You can’t pay for someone else’s fine!”

Me: “Seriously? I understand if I’m trying to borrow something under someone else’s name, but I’m paying you money here. I have all her student details if you need them.”

Librarian: *sternly* “I can’t let you do that.”

Me: “Fine…”

(I move away from the desk, but still hover nearby, and take out my phone to call my sister.)

Me: “Dude, this librarian won’t let me pay for your book fine.”

Sister: “What? Why?”

Me: “Apparently, you’re only allowed to pay for your own fines. I can’t do it on your behalf.”

Sister: “No way! That’s totally bull-s***! It’s not even like you’re being shifty and pretending to be me which you could do on the phone. That probably would’ve been much easier than dealing with this idiot. Anyway, you stay there; I’m gonna call the library.”

(I’m still standing around the desk, and a few seconds later the phone rings. The same rude librarian picks up, and I watch him talk on the phone.)

Librarian: “[University’s library], how can I help you? Sure, what’s your student ID? And you’ll be paying over the phone? Oh…”

(The librarian suddenly glares at me. They talk for a few more seconds, and he hangs up. He turns to me and speaks gruffly.)

Librarian: “Can I have your credit card, please?”

(I return with some friends to my high school to visit our favorite teachers. One of the science teachers, who had taught all of us, requests that we each share our college experience with his students. It’s my turn.)

Teacher: “So, what has your college experience been like so far, [My Name]?”

Me: “Well, it’s certainly been unusual, but it’s also been a lot of fun. I ended up going overseas to England to study at [University]. It was scary at first, but now I really love the people and the culture.”

Teacher: “Wow. I always knew you’d do something daring like that. I’m glad it’s working out for you!”

(The teacher addresses the class.)

Teacher: “Does anyone have any questions for [My Name]?”

Student #1: “Yeah, I do. Do they, like, have electricity there?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Student #1: “You know, in England. Do they have electricity?”

(I am actually at a loss for words.)

Teacher: “What? Was that a real question? Put your head down!”

(The class laughs.)

Me: “Um, yeah. They do.”

Teacher: “Does anyone have any less dumb questions?”

Student #2: “So, how do you understand them when they talk, because they don’t speak American?”

Me: “…they speak English. It’s England.”

Teacher: “Okay, [Student #2] you can just leave.”