Professor: “Welcome to [class]. I see that some of you have taken my classes before and some of you haven’t. For those of you who haven’t taken my class before, you’ll like to know that class is over as soon as I finish drinking my soda.”

(The professor gestures to his enormous branded cup. A student comes in late and sits down quickly with her full coffee cup. The professor notices…)

Professor: “Ahem. I believe you’re aware of the sign on the door that says ‘no food or drink in the classrooms,’ yes?”

Student: “Oh. Sorry!”

(The student gets up and does a walk of shame to the garbage can to throw away her drink. Right before she throws it away…)

Professor: “Just kidding! That just shows you not to be late for my class. You can keep your drink.”

(The professor takes a big swig of his drink as another student comes in late.)

Professor: “…and that’s all I’m going to tell you about your final. I hope you all took good notes because I’m not going to tell you again! And no sharing your notes with anyone either!”

(A classmate leans over to whisper to me.)

Classmate: “I think the first day of class is his favorite.”

(Students are practicing their first oral reports in an American history class.)

Student #1: “Hi, I’m [Name], and I’ll be discussing public reaction to the Battle of Little Bighorn, also known as Custard’s Last Stand.”

Teacher’s Assistant: “Hold up. It’s ‘Custer.’ It sounded a bit like you tacked a ‘D’ onto his name.”

Student #1: “Wait, ‘Custard.'”

Teacher’s Assistant: “Custer!”

Student #1: “Like the food? They named the dessert after him?”

Teacher’s Assistant: “Uh… no. ‘Custer.'”

Student #1: “They name all sorts of food after military people. I just assumed…”

Teacher’s Assistant: “What the… what food is named after military people?”

Student #1: “Well… Caesar salad.”

Student #2: “Captain Crunch!”

Teacher’s Assistant: “[Student #1], his name was George Custerrrrrrrr, and people tend not to name food after military figures. Proceed.”

Student #1: “Uh… okay. Well, uh… wait! What about General Mills?”

(After the report…)

Teacher’s Assistant: “[Student #1], you’ve read three books about Little Bighorn. How did you never notice there was no ‘D’ in ‘Custer?'”

Student #2: “He got it mixed up with his grade!”

(I am an 11th grader taking AP/IB Physics. My physics teacher has a great sense of humor and is very chill about everything. He likes to space out due dates and test dates away from big school events.)

Teacher: “I’m just glad that the AP Physics test isn’t the day after the prom this year!”

(All the students murmur in agreement.)

Teacher: “I don’t even want to know what you guys are doing after prom.”

Class Clown: “Studying physics!”

Teacher: “Oh, I’m sure you are. Studying PHYSIQUES, no doubt!”

(I am in a gym swimming class; one of my classmates has autism. Everyone is nice and loves her but one of my other classmates.)

Classmate #1: “I hate these d*** r****ds! If I ran the world, I would make all the r****ds and gays go to a special camp where I would shoot them down daily. Then there would be less of them in the world!”

Me: “You mean like the Jews and others in the Holocaust?”

Classmate: “Butt out! I was not talking to you. Besides, that didn’t happen.”

Me: “Your sister is a teen mom, right? Would you like it if I said that all teen moms should be shot down?”

Classmate: “What?! No, that’s horrible! She didn’t do anything wrong! Why would someone do something bad like that to someone who didn’t do anything wrong? Also, you should not talk about teen moms that way; you might upset someone.”

Me: “For one: I know a teen mom who is a great mother, and my mom was one, too. I have no problem with them long as they take care of their children. Also, you say they didn’t do anything wrong? Think about it; did those people you talk about did anything wrong?”

Classmate: “They were cursed by God!”

Me: “I am walking away before I punch you…”

This story is part of the Autism Awareness roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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(I have a younger cousin who was adopted from Russia as a baby. Living in upstate New York in elementary school, he is told to bring snow gear so that his class can play in the snow. Of course, he has forgotten to tell his mother.)

Teacher: “[Cousin], where are your snow pants?”

Cousin: “I forgot them.”

Teacher: “But you can’t play in the snow without them!”

Cousin: *glares* “I’m from SIBERIA!”