(My high school physics teacher has a habit of ‘helping’ us during tests. Sometimes he ‘forgets’ to erase a formula off the board, or leave a note up… things like that. We are about to take a test on a particularly hard chapter. It is right after he passes out the tests, which are always multiple choice.)

Teacher: “Alright, does everyone SEE number three?”

(We look at each other in confusion.)

Student #1: “Uh… yeah… what about it?”

Teacher: “Oh, just wanted you to really SEE how it’s worded.”

(I catch on.)

Teacher: “Okay guys… everyone BE careful on number eight!”

(Everyone reads #8 and looks around at each other, getting what he’s doing. A few minutes pass…)

Teacher: “Man, that number 10 is just DElightful!”

(Everyone scribbles. A few more minutes pass…)

Student #2: “Sir, do we SEE number fifteen?”

Teacher: “Um… yes. Yes you do!”

(Needless to say, everyone passed the test!)

(I am waiting in line at the check out. The customer ahead of me has just bagged their groceries.)

Cashier: “Your total is $66.14, sir.”

Customer: “I want to pay with this $100 bill, but instead of giving me change, can you put the rest on a gift card?”

Cashier: “Sure, I can do that.”

(The cashier stares at the register for a moment.)

Cashier: “Um… do you know how much that’s going to be on the gift card? I can’t find out how much your change is until you pay, and I still have to add your gift card.”

Customer: “I don’t know; just whatever is left out of $100.”

Cashier: “Let me see if there’s a calculator around…”

Me: “It’s $33.86.”

(The cashier and customer look at me uncertainly.)

Cashier: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, just put it in; you’ll see.”

Cashier: “…okay.”

(The cashier puts it in hesitantly.)

Cashier: “…hey, you were right! How’d you do that?”

Me: “I’m a teacher. I subtract from 100 every time I grade papers.”

Customer: “But you did that in your head without a calculator or anything.”

Me: “Yeah, I actually teach math, so I have to be able to do math.”

Cashier: “Wow you must have to be really smart to teach math like that!”

Me: “Um…”

(I’m currently in a three-hour-long chemistry lab. In the fume cupboard next to me is a student who is really disinterested. He often leaves the lab for long stretches of time, or doesn’t show up at all, leaving his partner to scramble to finish. The lab supervisor is becoming increasingly irritated with him. I whisper in a low voice to my partner.)

Me: “I see that [Student] has vanished again.”

Partner: Yeah…oh, wait, nope. He’s over there.

Me: “Huh. Wait… is he eating?”

(Just as I say that, the lab supervisor notices him, and comes storming over.)

Supervisor: “WHAT are you doing?”

Student: “Er, eating a granola bar.”

Supervisor: “Why?”

Student #1: “…because I was hungry?”

Supervisor: “So you decided to start eating in the middle of a lab, while working with corrosive and mutagenic chemicals, while still wearing your gloves? No. Nope. Put that d*** bar away, and if I ever see you doing something like this again, you’re out of this lab.”

(We have recently switched to an online curriculum.)

Teacher: “And has anyone had problems using the new curriculum?”

Student: “Most of it has worked for me, but I can’t get the sound to work.”

(There is stunned silence.)

Teacher: “This is a sign language class, [Student].”

(My choir co-director and I have just handed out the music to the ‘Hallelujah Chorus’ to our students. This choir is a volunteer after-school club, and we get kids from all over the school who may not be music students. We like to educate about the music as we go along.)

Co-Director: “Now, the Hallelujah Chorus is from a larger work by Handel called The Messiah. It’s an oratorio, not an opera, because during Lent opera was considered a luxury. Who can tell me one of the differences between an opera and an oratorio?”

Student: “They didn’t wear any clothes.”

(There is a long pause.)

Student: “Costumes! They didn’t wear any costumes!”