(I’m in the printmaking studio with friends, and it’s near the end of the semester. Most of our projects are finished, so we’re helping the professor to clean the studio and preparing for the break.)

Student #1: “Are you almost done cleaning the etching press?”

Student #2: “Yeah, why?”

Student #1: “Well, it just occurred to me that you’re shorter than the hand wheel on that press.”

Student #2: “Yeah, and?”

Me: “I think I like where this is going.”

Professor: “I KNOW I like where this is going.”

Student #1: “Do you get motion sick easily?”

Student #2: “Not really, what are you planning?”

Professor: “I think [Student #1] is proposing that we tie you to the wheel and give you a spin.”

Student #2: “H*** yes! Let’s do it!”

(We tie [Student #2] to the wheel using cleaning rags on her ankles, while she holds on to the other side with her hands. [Student #1] and another friend then spin the wheel around while the professor and I fling wet cleaning sponges at her from across the room. We have no idea, but a tour group of prospective students are on their way up, led by the department chair.)

Student #2: “Oh God! I think I might puke. FASTER!”

Professor: “You heard her, boys! Get that press spinning!”

Department Chair: “…we have the printmaking studio! This is the largest studio space in the building and includes two etching presses, two lithography presses, and…”

(The tour group comes in to see us slapping our friend with the sponges while she hangs up-side-down laughing. The tour looks horrified, but the head of the department doesn’t miss a beat.)

Department Chair: “…and various medieval torture devices. And to continue our tour, we’ll now move on to the true horror of the fine-arts building, the sculpture studio. Wait until you see what they do in there…”

(We are studying skin color. My professor is having us determine humans’ original skin color by looking at colors of our close primate relatives. She starts by pointing to a black chimpanzee.)

Professor: “Is he light or dark?”

(There is a murmur of responses.)

Professor: “Light? Did you guys just say he was light? Really?”

(She points to a picture of a very ripped actor.)

Professor: “What about him?”

Students: “Orange.”

(During a student-run creative writing club after school, we start goofing around a little.)

Student: “I totally ship [Name #1] and [Name #2] together!”

Student #2: “I thought shipping was only for fictional characters!?”

Me: “Maybe we are fictional characters!”

Friend: “No breaking the fourth wall!”

Me: “But Team Rocket does it all the time!”

(I am in the library doing a research project for a high school class. I am finishing up at a computer, not paying attention to anything around me, when a woman at the computer opposite me speaks up.)

Woman: “Am I disturbing you?”

Me: “No, why?”

Woman: “Well, I’m typing an email to my sister, and I’m experiencing some very strong emotions, and I’m just afraid those emotions might be affecting you.”

Me: “Um, no… it’s not bothering me… you can go ahead and keep feeling those emotions or whatever…”

(I was glad to log out a minute later!)

(I am walking in the hallway. I tend to get wordy when annoyed.)

Kid: “Those sneakers are so f****** gay!”

Me: *turning around* “Really? I wasn’t aware that footwear had a sexual orientation.”

Kid: “What the f***?”