(We are “being taught” about different types of animals.)

Teacher: “Carnivores eat meat.”

(The class all nod their heads.)

Teacher: “Herbivores eat plants.”

(The class all nod their heads.)

Teacher: “Omnivores eat everything: metal, plastic, paper…”

(The class pauses in confusion.)

Teacher: “The only omnivore is a goat.”

Student #1: “What are we then? We eat plants and meat; doesn’t that make us omnivores?”

Teacher: “No! We’re carnivores. The only omnivore is a goat.”

Student #1: “But—”

Teacher: “NO! THE ONLY OMNIVORE IS A GOAT!”

(My government professor is talking about congressional districts. He draws a square on the board to represent New Mexico.)

Professor: “New Mexico has three dist—”

Student: “You forgot the little notch at the bottom.”

(He adds a single notch to the southeast corner of his square.)

Professor: “New Mexico has—”

Student: “You put it on the wrong side.”

(He erases the old notch and draws a new one at the southwest corner of the state.)

Professor: “New Mex—”

Student: “Wait, there’s supposed to be one more little notch.”

(My professor erases the whole thing and draws a new rectangle.)

Professor: “Colorado has five districts…”

(I am in my ‘theory of knowledge’ class, which is somewhat similar to philosophy, but extremely random at times. At the moment, we are talking about the objectification of women in pop culture.)

Teacher: “So, you see, in all the posters for The Avengers, Black Widow is always posing so as to show off her boobs and butt at the same time. Her costume also demonstrates—”

(The door opens and in walks one of the teacher’s students from a different class. Note that the student in question is male, and has no idea what our class is currently discussing.)

Male Student: “Hey, what’s up?”

Teacher: “Ah, and here’s [Student’s Name]. He will now pose like Black Widow.”

(Without missing a beat, the male student turns and poses in a ridiculous ‘sexy’ stance. The class bursts out laughing.)

Teacher: “Thank you, [Student’s Name]. Now, what did you need?”

(I am showing my class a video of the Queen’s coronation.)

Me: “Everyone had to crowd around each other’s houses to watch it, since only one in eight homes had a telly back then.”

Pupil: “But then what did they plug the Wii into?”

(I’m in the printmaking studio with friends, and it’s near the end of the semester. Most of our projects are finished, so we’re helping the professor to clean the studio and preparing for the break.)

Student #1: “Are you almost done cleaning the etching press?”

Student #2: “Yeah, why?”

Student #1: “Well, it just occurred to me that you’re shorter than the hand wheel on that press.”

Student #2: “Yeah, and?”

Me: “I think I like where this is going.”

Professor: “I KNOW I like where this is going.”

Student #1: “Do you get motion sick easily?”

Student #2: “Not really, what are you planning?”

Professor: “I think [Student #1] is proposing that we tie you to the wheel and give you a spin.”

Student #2: “H*** yes! Let’s do it!”

(We tie [Student #2] to the wheel using cleaning rags on her ankles, while she holds on to the other side with her hands. [Student #1] and another friend then spin the wheel around while the professor and I fling wet cleaning sponges at her from across the room. We have no idea, but a tour group of prospective students are on their way up, led by the department chair.)

Student #2: “Oh God! I think I might puke. FASTER!”

Professor: “You heard her, boys! Get that press spinning!”

Department Chair: “…we have the printmaking studio! This is the largest studio space in the building and includes two etching presses, two lithography presses, and…”

(The tour group comes in to see us slapping our friend with the sponges while she hangs up-side-down laughing. The tour looks horrified, but the head of the department doesn’t miss a beat.)

Department Chair: “…and various medieval torture devices. And to continue our tour, we’ll now move on to the true horror of the fine-arts building, the sculpture studio. Wait until you see what they do in there…”