(When my parents taught me to read a clock growing up, I had issues with 12-hour time. Since my dad worked in an industrial plant which operated on 24-hour time, they tried that and I found that naturally easier. It is my first day of Kindergarten; the teacher is setting expectations with all us kids.)

Teacher: “So you will be coming here Monday to Friday at 12 noon, and then your parents will come pick you up at 3 o’clock.”

(I start bawling.)

Teacher: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “I can’t stay until 3 o’clock!”

Teacher: “Why not?”

Me: “Bed-time is 20 o’clock!”

(I am in fifth grade. Our Spanish teacher is gone for a few weeks to get married. Our substitute doesn’t know any Spanish, and is at a loss for how to deal with us.)

Substitute: “Ho-lah class-ay, I’m substituting for sen-nor-ita Qway-suh-dilly.”

Class: “Quesada.”

Substitute: “What?”

Class: “That’s her name. Where is she?”

Substitute: “Man, they don’t tell me who I’m subbing for. Are there any worksheets or something you kids can be doing?”

Class: “No.”

(In the end, the substitute found a VHS of ‘The Lion King’ in Spanish with Spanish subtitles for us to watch, the whole time mumbling the English lyrics to himself at the back of the room.)

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(The school year has just started, and we’re in biology. We’re working out lab partners.)

Student #1: “Sorry, I can’t be in the two o’clock lab; I have Spanish then.”

Teacher: “Spanish? Is [Spanish Teacher] teaching you?”

Student #1: “Yeah, why?”

Teacher: “Listen to me carefully: Do. Not. Upset. That. Man.”

Student #2: “Is he that mean?”

Teacher: “No, I just don’t want him disrupting class with Monty Python nonsense.”

(He refuses to explain further. Midterms come and go, and we’re having a nature walk to look at leaves for biology.)

Student #1: “…and I don’t think I did well on the Spanish midterm.”

Student #2: “Don’t tell [Biology teacher]; remember how he kept going on about ‘do not upset that man?'”

Student #1: “Yeah… nothing bad happened, though.”

(A few minutes pass, and then we hear something crashing through the woods. It is the Spanish teacher.)

Spanish Teacher: “HEAR YE, HEAR YE, [STUDENT #1] DID EXCEPTIONALLY POOR ON HIS MIDTERM, AND DESERVES SHAAAAAME!”

Student #1: “What the…”

Biology Teacher: “God d*** it [Spanish Teacher]! I am trying to teach!”

Spanish Teacher: *appearing from behind a tree* “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

(He runs off, laughing loudly to himself. The biology teacher tells us this happens at least once every three or four years.)

(I am working with a string quartet consisting of four 13-year-old boys. During one coaching session, they start comparing their bows, which results in the following dialogue.)

Violist: “Mine’s longer!”

Cellist: “Yeah, well mine’s thicker!”

First Violinist: “Mine’s longest!”

Violist: “Yeah, but it’s all skinny!”

Second Violinist: “Mine has more hair than yours.”

Me: *desperately trying not to lose it* “Okay, right, well, let’s start at measure 49 again, shall we?”

(As far as I know, they never clued in!)

(I am a teaching assistant at a large university. One student has come to my office for help, and is now leaving for class. They see the large volume of papers on my desk.)

Student: “So, what were you working on before I got here?”

Me: “Oh, those are for my exam tonight.”

Student: *in all seriousness* “Oh, yeah, you’re a student too. Sometimes I forget my professors and TAs have lives and stuff too! It never really clicked…”

Me: “Yeah, it makes more sense that we’re robots.”