Finals At Hogwarts

, , | Learning | October 18, 2010

(One of my students was absent the day of a test and she has had just handed it in.)

Me: “Okay, class. Now that [Student] has done the test, I can give you them back.”

(I hand out the test papers.)

Student: “Where’s mine?”

Me: “You just did yours today. I’ll have it back to you tomorrow.”

Student: “But you just said!”

Me: “How was I supposed to mark it in five minutes?”

Student: *completely serious* “Doesn’t it just automatically mark itself?”

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At Least His Answer Is In The Right Aria

, , , , , , , , | Learning Right | October 14, 2010

(I am giving a tour of the opera house to a group of fifth-graders. We are backstage and we pass a large service elevator, generally used to transport grand pianos, costume racks, etc.)

Me: “So, guys, who can think of a reason why the opera needs such a big elevator?”

*silence*

Kid In The Back: “Because there are REALLY BIG PEOPLE in operas!”

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Ah, Mothers, Part 6

, , , , , | Learning Right | September 24, 2010

(The child I’m working with is crying, so I go outside to talk to the mother.)

Me: “Your child seems to have some separation anxiety, ma’am. It’s against the rules, but I could let you stay and watch her work so she’ll feel better.”

Mother: “Oh, I think she’ll be fine after a while. See, she’s been upset since we moved here from Chicago.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s difficult for a child sometimes.”

Mother: “But don’t tell her we moved, okay? We told her we were only going on a vacation. She has no idea we’re not going back.”


This story is part of our Terrible Parents roundup!

Read the next Terrible Parents story!

Read the Terrible Parents roundup!

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Women’s Studies, Not Studying Women

, , , , | Learning Right | March 24, 2010

(I work in enrollment in my university.)

Me: “What degree would you like to enroll in?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, what are you interested in?”

Customer: “Hot girls.”

Me: “You mean ‘Women’s Studies’?”

Customer: “Does that have lots of girls in it?”

Me: “Pretty much all girls.”

Customer: “Awesome, I’ll do that.”

(Note: ‘Women’s Studies’ studies feminism.)

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Three Obsessive Compulsives And One Oedipus Complex To Go

, , , | Learning Right | March 15, 2010

(I am working in retail when a confused-looking student approaches me.)

Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Student: “I want to get a sample.”

Me: “A sample of what?”

Student: “What have you got?”

Me: “What do you need it for? For class?”

Student: “Yeah, for class.”

Me: “Which class?”

Student: “Social Sciences.”

Me: “I’m not aware of any requirements for that class. Do you have it written down somewhere?”

(The student looks through her bag and produces a piece of paper. She hands it to me.)

Me: “This is an assignment to set up a small psychological experiment.”

Student: “Yes! And I need a sample.”

Me: “Do you mean participants? You want me to get you participants?”

Student: “Yeah, the teacher said about thirty should do. Do they come to my place or do I have to get them from here?”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not how it works. You have to find participants on your own.”

Student: “What? That’s ridiculous! Isn’t it enough that I do all the science?”

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