(I am a tenth-grade student spending her free period in the library. It is the first week of school. From my position near the door I can see my old French teacher bringing her new class of seventh-graders into the library to check out the books.)

Librarian: “Wow. The advanced French class has a lot of students this year!”

Teacher: “Yes. We’ve actually got twenty-four students this year. I’m not sure what to do with them all.”

Student: *piping up very excitedly* “We’ve got enough for a hunger games!”

(Most of the students in our calculus have left for an honors society meeting. There are only about half a dozen of us left in the room.)

Teacher: “So, then you find the limit as x goes to infinity—”

(He cuts off as he sees the students from the meeting come back in.)

Teacher: “—and that’s the meaning of life, everyone! Too bad I can only say it once.”

(We all applaud wildly and act as if we have just been enlightened.)

(We are reading “The Great Gatsby” in English. We are discussing Myrtle from chapter two. We spent the last half hour coming to the conclusion that Myrtle was a fat prostitute.)

Teacher: “Can anyone tell me why Myrtle Wilson appears in chapter two instead of being introduced in chapter one?”

Student: “Because she was too fat to fit in the first chapter.”

Teacher: “That answer was so bad that I’m taking away points for that one.”

(I’m in organic chemistry. We’re working in the lab, which is on the third floor. Suddenly, the fire alarm goes off. We all have to clear the building and stand in the parking lot. Keep in mind that we all are still wearing lab coats, goggles, and gloves. As we’re standing there, students from other classes eye us suspiciously.)

Student: “What did you guys do?!”

Classmate: “I took off my shoe and the smell was so bad that it triggered the alarm.”

(Oddly, the classmate’s shoe had fallen off at the exact same moment that the alarm went off. He had to leave it in the lab until the fire alarm was over. Maybe it really did set the alarm off!)

Related:
If The Shoe Fits…

(My 11th grade US history teacher has a habit of carrying around a yellow plastic ball bat as he taught his class. Sometimes he twirls it like a baton, but mostly he just uses it as a pointer to call on us. On the first day of school one of the kids in the class raises his hand and points at it.)

Student: “Sir, what’s up with the bat?”

Teacher: “Oh, nothing special. Just something I like to carry with me. Comes in handy every now and then.”

Student: *puzzled* “Handy for what?”

Teacher: “Never mind, for now.”

(About three months later, the same student is falling asleep in class, despite the kids next to him trying to get him to stay awake. After waiting a few minutes, when the student is really out, our teacher quietly walks up the kid’s desk. He raises the bat and slams it down on the edge of the desk, creating a truly deafening slap.)

Student: *jumps in his seat* “GAH! Hey, man!”

(The teacher wiggles the bat. We notice that it has a few dents in it, most likely from previous swings.)

Teacher: “It comes in handy for that. Now. Where were we?”