(We are using fume hoods in the chemistry lab, so it is difficult to hear what people are saying.)
Professor: “Have you seen the latest episode of [popular TV show]?”
Student: “Yeah! It was totally heinous!”
Me: “It was that bad?”
Student: “Um… What? I said it was heinous!”
Me: “Oh! I thought you said anus.”
(The professor had to leave the lab because he was laughing so hard.)
(I teach at a small charter high school. I keep a container of candy on my desk, and most students respect it. If they leave it alone, I give candy out during class when the students are working. I start to notice my candy disappearing, so I go out and buy a huge stash of the ‘Jelly Belly Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans.’ I wait until right before third period, which is when I know I have an issue with “‘sticky fingers.’ I pour the candy in the bowl and leave the room before the bell rings, checking the hallways for lurkers. I come back in and start class.)
Student #1: “Eww!”
Student #2: *gags*
(The two students run from the back of the room to start hacking into the trashcan, spitting and fighting over a water bottle. I wait for them to stop and look up.)
Me: “Sooooo. What did we learn?”
(At the university I’m attending, there’s a guy who’ll frequently want to talk to me and my friend for some reason. This guy has a VERY pretentious air about him, and when someone has differing tastes in media than he does, he acts somewhat condescendingly. Today, we’re having computer-aided design (CAD) classes all day, and we’ve just returned from lunch. The guy decides to sit next to my friend and takes the computer I used before we left. I’m left-handed, so the mouse is on the left side.)
Guy: “What kind of a f****** idiot would have their mouse like this?!”
Me: “That ‘f*****g idiot’ is me. I’m left-handed.”
Guy: “So am I, but I always use my right hand for the mouse.”
Friend: “So… you’re left-handed, but you use the mouse right-handedly?”
Guy: *slight scoff* “Yes! It’s much better!”
(I hadn’t realized you could sound pretentious about which hand you operated a computer with!)
Professor: “Let’s take a character like Spock who has all these cognitive abilities but no desires or passions—”
Student #1: “But he does have desires! He’s half human.”
Professor: “Okay. Maybe that’s a bad example, then.”
Student #2: “We could use Data instead.”
Professor: “… Who?”
(I am talking to my biodiversity and adaptations professor.)
Me: “There are a few species of plants that only flower for one day. What is the evolutionary advantage of that?”
Professor: “… I’m not a good botanist.”
Me: “But you’re my professor for evolutionary adaptations of plants.”
Professor: “Yeah.” *walks away*
