Half-Baked Jokes Can Lead To Dough-leful Regrets

, , | Learning | May 17, 2013

(I am in baking class and my group is making hamburger buns. A classmate plops some bread dough in his mouth.)

Me: “You did not just do that!”

Classmate: *smirking* “Yeah, I did.”

Me: “You do know you’re not supposed to eat bread dough, right?!”

Classmate: “Why? The teacher didn’t see.”

Me: “You do know what bread dough does when we leave it in a bowl with a towel over it, right?”

Classmate: “Yeah, it expands.”

Me: “What do you think it does in your stomach?”

Classmate: “That doesn’t even make sense!”

Me: “Your stomach is full of gasses that create a certain temperature that allows the bread dough to leaven. Then, it expands and eventually your stomach can’t handle it and it explodes!”

Classmate: *nervously* “Yeah right; nice try.”

(Some of the other classmates notice what’s going on and tell him that his stomach will explode. At this point he becomes horrified, and decides to ask the teacher if it’s true.)

Teacher: *pretending to be horrified* “You what?! How much did you eat?!”

Classmate: “Only a small ball; about the size of one of the ice cream scoops.”

Teacher: “Oh no! What have you done?!”

(At this point, my classmate is absolutely horrified and starts freaking out and asking if he needs to go to the hospital. We finally can’t take anymore and the group starts to laugh including the teacher. The classmate was very embarrassed and never ate bread dough again!)

1 Thumbs
1,622

Double The Danger, Double The Entendre

| Learning | May 16, 2013

(We have a finicky projector in our classroom, and it’s resulted in the professor pushing the table up and climbing on top of it. Once again, the professor is on the table.)

Professor: “If this were any other professor, would you be concerned for my safety?”

Students: “Eh, we’re used to it by now.”

(The professor stoops down, picks up his drink, and stands back up.)

Student: “Standing on a table drinking. That’s just how [professor] rolls.”

(The next day, once again, our projector isn’t working.)

Me: “You shouldn’t be expecting anything else by now.”

(The professor then shrugs, gets on the table, and turns on the projector. This time, he decides to jump off the table instead of climbing off.)

Student #1: “Did you just see your life flash before your eyes?”

Student #2: “Well, I just saw your body flash before MY eyes.”

(The entire class enters an awkward silence.)

Student #2: “That… didn’t quite come out right, did it?”

1 Thumbs
780

With Jokes, You Either Sink Or Swim

| Learning | May 16, 2013

(I’m taking legal classes and a hurricane had recently passed through elsewhere.)

Professor: “Alright, class. Do you know what case we’re talking about tonight? I’ll give you a hint! What did the people in [state] have to decide before going to work today?”

(No one answers.)

Professor: “Whether to roe or wade! Roe vs. Wade. Get it? Did no one read the syllabus?”

(No one laughs.)

1 Thumbs
787

You’re Fat ‘Cause I Tectonic Plate You

| Learning | May 16, 2013

(We have just had an earthquake. Earthquakes are quite uncommon, so it takes us a few moments to realize what happened. A couple of popular girls are running late for class.)

Popular Girl #1: “Oh my god, you are not fat! I’m so much fatter than you!”

Popular Girl #2: “No, you’re so much skinnier than me. I’m a cow!

Teacher: *runs into the hallway* “It’s an earthquake!”

Popular Girl #1: “We are not THAT fat!”

Popular Girl #2: “Rude!”

1 Thumbs
1,277

May The Source Of This Quote Be With You

| Learning | May 15, 2013

(Another teacher and I are discussing recent girl drama with a student of ours, who is having trouble understanding why the other girls were being mean to her.)

Me: “They’re just jealous of you. Jealousy leads to fear. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate lea—”

(The student stands there, looking at me, completely confused.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I just realized I was giving you advice for dealing with girl drama from Yoda.”

1 Thumbs
1,451