(It is my birthday. The previous night, I had baked a giant cookie and had my mom, a wedding cake decorator, help me decorate it. The cookie turned out extremely well, decorated ornately with icing. I take the cookie in to my first period class to eat. I’ve had this teacher my freshman year of high-school as well as this senior year.)

Classmate: “So, who bought the cookie for you?”

Me: “No one. It’s homemade.”

Classmate: “Oh, then who made it for you?”

Me: “I did. My mom helped me decorate it.”

(My classmate has a look of extreme horror on her face.)

Classmate: “Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry, [My Name]. That’s so sad, that you have to make your own cake!”

(My teacher and I stare at her in shock. My teacher helped me clean up the leftovers.)

Teacher: “Your baking and decorating is still better than store-bought, [My Name]. That’s not sad at all!”

(There is a student who is habitually late for class because she hangs around her locker gossiping with her friends until the bell rings, and then makes a mad dash for class. She is usually anywhere from four to six minutes late. When chastised for the habitual tardiness, she might be on time or – more usually – only a little late for the next class, but by the second class she’d be back to the usual time. One day she comes racing into her first class just a few seconds after the bell rings, and the teacher dryly comments.)

Teacher: “Congratulations, [Student]. you’re late a little earlier than usual!”

(The class chuckles.)

Student: *protesting* “But, Mr. [Teacher], I’m not late. I just got here!”

(The entire class, including the teacher, immediately cracks up.)

Teacher: “You do have a valid, if poorly phrased, point.”

(My labmate and I are returning to a training session for our lab. We are a little late due to our lunch situation. She decides to run ahead to let everyone know I’m nearly there. She mostly did this to calm our ‘type-A’ lab manager, who has already contacted my labmate.)

Labmate: *texting* “Everyone is waiting in the main lobby. And [Lab Manager] is PISSED!”

(After the session…)

Labmate: “So, I tried to text you when I got to the building. Then I realized I sent the message to [Lab Manager].”

(I am an ESL teacher. I try to keep a constant dialogue going with my students, so they get used to hearing and responding in English and so the language is less intimidating. This happens after I have handed out worksheets for students to complete in pairs.)

Me: “There, now. Are we ready? Does every pair have a copy of the worksheet?”

Student: *raising his hand, nervously* “Teacher, no. We didn’t get the worksheet!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Here’s one for you two, too.”

Student: *looks at me with confusion, and a little bit of fear* “One, four…?”

Me: “Yes, one for—oh!” *realizing what I’ve said* “I mean, here’s a worksheet for both of you, as well!”

(It is the first day of a college-level British literature class. The teacher has just announced that we will be reading ‘Jane Eyre’ throughout the semester, and is giving a standard ‘first day’ lecture – going over the syllabus, talking about different editions of the book that are available, etc…)

Teacher: “…and that’s the edition I’ll be using, in case you want to reference my page numbers. The next—”

(Suddenly, a student in the front row puts her hand in the air.)

Teacher: “Yes?”

Student: “What will we be DOING with this book?”

(The teacher stares blankly at her for a moment, apparently trying to decide whether she is serious.)

Teacher: “… Reading it. And talking about it.”

Student: “Will we have to write things about it?”

Teacher: *staring harder* “… Yes.”

(The girl considers this information while the teacher moves to resume her lecture. The moment she opens her mouth, the same student puts her hand in the air again.)

Student: “Can we read Shades of Grey instead?”