(We are in music history class.)

Professor: “…so the same surgeon performed cataract surgery on Bach and Handel, and made them both blind. Back then, there was probably a fifty-fifty chance they’d die, but still! How bad must that surgeon feel!”

Student #1: “I don’t know if I could Handel it!”

Student #2: “Oohhh! That joke is baroque and you can’t take it Bach!”

Me: “No Haydn from that atrocity of a joke.”

(After learning about special relativity, I assign my students to write a story or draw a comic that illustrates the principles of special relativity. Some of my students do an excellent job. One, however, chose to find an old Calvin & Hobbes where Calvin’s dad explains that special relativity has to do with time zones and only works if you travel west. I handed it back with a ‘zero’ and a note about how copying Calvin & Hobbes was not only unacceptable for the assignment, but just plain stupid. I overhear her complaining to her friends.)

Student: “I spent so much time on that!”

Friend: “I know! You worked really hard!”

(A student comes to my office to dispute his failing grade for the course from last semester.)

Student: “Why did I get an ‘F?'”

Me: “Well, Mr. [Name], you earned very low scores on both the midterm and the final. You also missed more than a third of all the class meetings.”

Student: “Yeah, but attendance wasn’t graded, so I shouldn’t be penalized for that.”

Me: “Mr. [Name], attendance, indeed, was not graded, but we did discuss the material in class. I lectured on the important concepts and we worked on the practical applications of the material during problem-solving exercises. You weren’t there to learn the material or to practice how it works. Moreover, on the tests you weren’t able to answer the questions on the assigned readings.”

Student: “Homework wasn’t graded. Why should I do it if it doesn’t earn me any points?”

Me: “You didn’t attend the class lectures, didn’t do the practical exercises, and didn’t read the textbook. Are you seriously wondering why you failed this class?”

Student: “But attendance and homework weren’t graded!”

(I teach conversational English classes at a school in Poland. I don’t speak any Polish and the kids are mostly fluent. I assign them role plays: one parent, one teenager coming home past curfew. This is what one group came up with.)

“Parent”: “Why are you so late? It’s 2 am. You were supposed to be at home at midnight! What have you been doing?”

“Teenager”: “I was learning with one of my friends and didn’t check the time. I’m sorry.”

“Parent”: “Oh yeah? What were you learning?”

“Teenager”: “We were learning meth!”

(Silence.)

“Teenager”: “Oh, s***, I mean math! Math! Math! I’m sorry!”

(An elderly, retired professor is visiting campus of this private Christian college, speaking with a current professor. The dress code has loosened quite a bit since the retired professor’s days.)

Old Professor: *grumbling* “I can’t believe all of these boys wearing their baseball caps in class. In my day, that just wouldn’t have been allowed.”

Current Professor: “So… what do you think of the young ladies being allowed to wear shorts?”

Old Professor: *cheerily* “Oh, I like that!”