Let’s Cut The Clap

| Learning | June 12, 2013

(One of my duties as an ESL teacher is to help my more advanced students prepare for English Speech competitions. A student is reciting a first draft of her new speech about a violin concert she gave while visiting another school.)

Student: “As I finished the song, the auditorium was silent. I was very frightened. Then, one man began to crap.”

(I look up from the notes I’ve been taking.)

Student: “Then, another man began to crap. Soon, everyone is crapping. I think they enjoyed my song, after all.”

Me: “I think maybe you should use the word ‘applaud’ for your speech. Here, let’s practice together…”

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Your Stethoscope Must Be Bwok-bwok-bwoken

| Learning | June 11, 2013

(I work as a teacher’s aide in a class of two- and three-year-old children. We’re learning about doctors and I am playing with a stethoscope with a very bright little girl.)

Me: “Ooh, I can hear your heartbeat! Do you want to hear?”

Student: “Yes!”

Me: “Okay, listen. Can you hear it?”

Student: “Yeah!”

Me: “You can? What does it sound like?”

Student: “Chicken!”

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For His Punishment, He Was Concubined To Quarters

| Learning | June 11, 2013

(My religion teacher is lecturing the class about the life of a religious figure.)

Teacher: “Despite the king’s efforts, the prince managed to sneak out from the concubines of the castle that night.”

(I’m pretty sure she meant “confines.”)

Me: *whispering to friend* “I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means.”

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I Touch My-Cell

| Learning | June 11, 2013

(Our professor is unusually strict about using technology for non-school stuff in class.)

Professor: “[Student], I know you’re using your phone in class and it’s very disrespectful.”

Student: “I’m not on my phone.”

Professor: “Well, you’re staring at your lap, your arms are moving, and you’re laughing. Either you’re looking at something funny on your phone or you’re doing something far more inappropriate during my lecture. Either way, please stop.”

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Goodbye, Norma JWoww

| Learning | June 10, 2013

Girl #1: “Would I look like Marilyn Monroe with my hair curled?”

Guy #1: “Who is Marilyn Monroe?”

Half of the Class: “What? Seriously? Are you kidding?”

Girl #1: “Who is Marilyn Monroe?!”

Guy #1: “Well, who is she?”

Girl #1: “Seriously, you don’t know who Marilyn Monroe is?”

Guy #1: “I don’t know that b****!”

Guy #2: “Dude, she’s… you know that chick from Jersey Shore?”

(Girl #1 makes the most epic “are you kidding me” face I’ve ever seen.)

Guy #2: “Nah, I’m just kidding; just kidding.”

Girl #1: “But SERIOUSLY, you don’t know?”

Guy #1: “No, who is she?”

Girl #1: “She’s like, an actress—”

Random Girl: “But she’s old now.”

Random Guy: “She’s not old; she’s dead.”

Girl #1: “Yeah, and she sang, too.”

Guy #1: *totally ignoring random guy* “Oh, Jwoww! You meant Jwoww!”

Guy #2: “Yeah! Jwoww!”

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