Hysterical Correctness

| Learning | May 20, 2013

(My friend/project partner considers himself transgender, but he has not had surgery yet, so he is still technically female. He doesn’t care if you call him by male or female terms.)

Friend: “So I’ll handle [task 1], you can do [task 2] and we should be done in no time.”

Me: “Sounds awesome, dude!”

Classmate: “O-M-G! [My name]! You shouldn’t call [friend’s name] ‘dude’ when she’s a girl!”

Me: “What’s wrong with that?”

Classmate: “Well duh. She’s a girl. You can’t call her dude. That’s a male term.”

Me: “Wait. So you want me to call her a different word because she’s a girl?”

Classmate: “Yes! That’s what equality’s all about!”

Me: “And you want me to make this choice based on what gender I’m talking to.”

Classmate: “Yes! What’s so hard about that?”

Me: “[Classmate’s name], aren’t you a feminist?”

Classmate: “Yes! That’s why this makes me so angry!”

Me: “And… what exactly are you fighting for?”


(The entire class, including teacher, begins laughing hysterically.)

Friend: “Does she realize what she just said?”

Me: “I don’t know, dude. I seriously don’t know.”

1 Thumbs

Revenge Is A Prize Best Served Sweet

| Learning | May 20, 2013

(I’m at a fundraising fair for my high school. There are several different games set up, including one that involves throwing a football through a tire that is suspended from a frame. The game is being run by a female student, who happens to be one of my friends, and a male student who is our junior varsity quarterback. Note: I am a very petite female freshman.)

Me: “Hey, [friend’s name], how many tickets to play? I’d love a candy bar.”

Friend: “It’s two tickets for two throws but for four we’ll swing the tire. You still only get two throws but we double the prize.”

Football Player: *snorts* “Why don’t you come back with your boyfriend and let him play for you, sweetie? I’d hate to just take your tickets like that.”

Me: *to friend* “Okay, I’ll give you four tickets then.”

(I hand my friend the tickets and she gives me the football.)

Football Player: *rolls his eyes* “Honey, you just wasted your tickets! Plenty of guys have tried and failed so you’re not gonna make it either!”

Me: “Just shut up and swing the tire.”

(He shrugs then swings the tire, muttering that I’m an idiot. I carefully watch the tire then throw the ball. It barely goes through. He scoffs and tosses me the ball.)

Football Player: “Lucky shot!”

Me: “No, I didn’t have my fingers lined up properly.”

Football Player: “Yeah, right.”

(He sets the tire in motion again. I make sure to line my fingers up properly this time then throw it. The ball goes through the tire dead center. The football player’s jaw drops and he stares at me. Then, his face goes red and he stomps off.)

Me: “What’s his damage?”

(My friend hands me my prizes, which include a candy bar.)

Friend: “He’s mad ’cause even he couldn’t make the shot.”

Me: “So you mean to tell me I have better throwing accuracy than the JV quarterback?”

Friend: “Yep!”

Me: “Ah, that just made this candy bar that much sweeter.”

1 Thumbs

A Not-So-Super Senior

| Learning | May 20, 2013

(I overhear the principal reminding a student of school rules.)

Student: “You don’t have to tell me the rules! I’m not stupid. I’ve been at this high school for five years!”

1 Thumbs

In Need Of Fool Tuition Reimbursement

| Learning | May 19, 2013

(I had planned on going to school full-time through the summer, but some unexpected costs elsewhere had left me unable to afford full-time tuition. I’ve decided to attend only part-time, but the semester has already started and there is a hold on my account, meaning I can’t add or drop classes. I call the university’s financial office.)

Me: “Hi. I need to drop some classes off my schedule, but there’s a hold on my account. How do I get around that?”

Employee: “It looks like the hold is in place because you haven’t paid your tuition yet. Once that’s paid, the hold will be taken off, and you can add and drop classes.”

Me: “The problem is, I’m dropping classes to get down to a part-time credit load, since I can’t afford full-time right now. But the system wants me to pay full tuition to remove the hold, since that’s how many classes I’m signed up for now.”

Employee: “Oh, yes. If you remove some of those classes, then the tuition bill will drop down to part-time.”

Me: “I can’t drop classes, though, because of the hold on my account.”

Employee: “You just need to pay your tuition. Then you’ll be able to drop those classes.”

Me: “Let me get this straight: you want me to pay full tuition, so that I can drop enough classes to get down to part-time, so that I won’t have to pay the full tuition that I just paid?”

Employee: “Yes, sir.”

Me: “Let me try again. You want me to pay full tuition to get to the point where I’ll only have to pay half tuition.”

Employee:: “…Oh. Right. That doesn’t work, does it?”

1 Thumbs

And Drums For A Comedic Rimshot

, , | Learning | May 19, 2013

(We’re being taught guitar in my first-year music class. During the class, one of the strings breaks on my guitar. I am going to get another guitar from the store cupboard.)

Teacher: *shouting* “Oh, you’ve left your G string behind!”

Me: “Aren’t guitarists used to finding those lying around stage?”

1 Thumbs