(I am invigilating an exam for some teenagers I have been teaching in my youth organisation. Although it is an internal exam, we teach them to fill in the papers as they would for an external exam because they’re very strict.)

Me: “Remember, when selecting your answer, write a horizontal line through the box. No circles, no diagonal lines. Just one horizontal line.”

Student: “Wait, so we do circles around our answers, right?”

Me: *trying not to get annoyed* “No. A horizontal line, as I said earlier.”

Student: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “Right, any other questions?” *silence* “Okay, you may begin.”

(Five minutes later.)

Student: “S***! I’ve been doing circles…”

Me: *head-desk*

(Exams are coming. A professor is writing a scoring system on the board.)

Professor: “…and anything lower fails.”

(He accidentally writes an ‘E.’)

Professor: “Wait, that’s not right.”

(He erases the bottom line, making it an ‘F’.)

Professor: “No, wait. I liked it the first way.”

(He draws the line back it.)

Student: “Wait, why an ‘E’? Everyone else uses ‘F.'”

Professor: “Well, now we’re using ‘E.’ As in executed. Or ended. Or exterminated.”

Student: “Or as in excellent?”

Professor: “Excellent, hmm… No, for the remainder of this class we’ll be changing that word to ‘axcellent.’

Student: “Axe…?”

Professor: “As in what will execute you if you get an ‘E!'”

(During a history exam the fire alarm rings. Everybody suddenly stands up to leave. Our teacher is a very tall, buff, imposing man with a very deep voice.)

Teacher: “HEY! Where are you going!?”

Student: “But, sir, t-there’s the fire alarm…”

Teacher: “I’m only going to say this once. The walls and ceiling are made out of concrete. The chances the fire will spread are nil. Sit down.”

(It is 1989 and my major in college requires me to take a course in COBOL, a computer language that is seen as a dinosaur in the industry compared to the new things that were coming out at the time. I have a natural affinity for programming and I’m making an easy ‘A’ in the class. I’ve also gotten a bit lazy and haven’t gone to class for the last week and a half. I’ve a history of skipping class. I’ve run into the professor in the hallways.)

Professor: “Where have you been? I’ haven’t seen you in class recently.”

Me: *lying* “Oh, I missed class last week because I was ill and this week because I was catching up on a research paper.”

Professor: “Skipping class to catch up on other school work is not very beneficial. An hour of your time isn’t going to complete your research paper sooner in a significant way.”

Me: *lying* “Oh, you know, I didn’t think about it that way. Sorry.”

Professor: “Are you aware that you missed the first of the final three exams today?”

Me: “I thought they were scheduled for next Tuesday!”

Professor: “That’s the original schedule; however, last week we changed the schedule.”

Me: “Oh, no! Is there a way I can make that up? Is there another class I can sit in today to take that test?”

Professor: “No other classes, but I can give you two additional program assignments in lieu of that one exam.”

Me: “Thank you. I really appreciate it. I’m sorry that I messed up this way.”

Professor: “What exactly are you looking to get out of this class?”

Me: “Oh, a passing grade.”

Professor: “Okay, then.”

( I aced the final two exams with perfect scores, and completed the two programming assignments by the next class. I know that my scores all mounted up to me having an ‘A’ for the class, but when I received my grades after the semester, I had a ‘C.’ Exactly what I said I was looking for out of the class. Thank you, professor, for giving me one of the biggest lessons in my life.)

(Our professor is foreign and has only been in the US to teach for eight months.)

Professor: “[Student], why weren’t you here yesterday?”

Student: “I had a track and field meet!”

Professor: “Ooh, track and field? Like running?”

Student: “Yes, but I was doing javelin and discus throw.”

Professor: “Javelin and what?” *obviously confused*

Student: “Discus. Throw.”

Professor: *still confused*

Student: “DISCUS. Like, a disk.”

Professor: “Oh! I thought you were saying biscuit throw! Like, you throw biscuits for sport, and I was thinking, ‘only in America!‘”