There’s No Way To Sugar Coat This

| Learning | May 15, 2013

(My biology class is currently studying human reproduction. A male classmate raises his hand to ask a question.)

Biology Teacher: “Yes, [classmate]?”

Classmate: “Uh, yeah. I was wondering… if semen has glucose in it, does it taste sweet?”

(The entire class erupts in laughter.)

Biology Teacher: “Well, you’ll never know unless you find out for yourself.”

(The class erupts in laughter again as her eyes go wide and she clasps both hands over her mouth.)

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The Course Is Strong With This One

| Learning | May 14, 2013

(It is 1999, and “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” is only days from its release. The calculus teacher at my school is a notorious Star Wars fan. At this time we are also participating in Olive Garden’s “Pasta for Pennies” charity, where every classroom keeps a white bucket up front and students drop pennies into it so that the homeroom that donates the most pennies wins free food.)

English Teacher: “So your assignment for Monday is to write an essay discussing the major themes in [novel] we covered today and yesterday.”

(I raise my hand.)

English Teacher: “Yes, [my name]?”

Me: “How long does it have to be?”

English Teacher: “Let’s say one to three pages. But if you really—”

(Suddenly, the door bursts open and the calculus teacher jumps inside with the Pasta for Pennies bucket on his head and a toy light saber in his hand.)

Calculus Teacher: “Did anyone here see a bounty hunter wearing a green helmet?”

English Teacher: “What… the… f***?”

Calculus Teacher: “A true Jedi has no use for such language!”

(The calculus teacher pushes a button on his toy light saber and it lights up and begins making electronic crashing sounds. He smacks it against the side of the English teacher’s podium, and it utters a loud ‘KKHHKHHKH.’)

Calculus Teacher: “You see, he’s quiet now. The Force has great influence over the weak-minded.” *waves his hand like Obi-Wan Kenobi* “You never saw me here!”

(The calculus teacher then tears out of the classroom and down the hall at full speed.)

Classmate: “Uh… Mr. [English teacher’s name], what were you saying about the essay?”

(The English teacher lowers his head and presses his face against the podium.)

English Teacher: “Never mind.”

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Calling Her A Math Teacher Would Be Charitable

| Learning | May 14, 2013

(Most teachers at my school are multi-subject teachers, but this teacher isn’t.)

Teacher: “…and only 45% of your parents in this class donated! That’s 65% that didn’t donate!”

(The entire class sits in silence for a moment.)

Me: *whispers to friend* “This is why she isn’t a math teacher.”

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Take Me Or Leave Me Confused

, | Learning | May 14, 2013

(My acting class is getting ready to put on a show for a bunch of kindergarteners. We’re all in costume and most of the class is out on stage, playing Simon Says with the kids before the show starts. However, three friends and I are in the boy’s dressing room. Our stage manager is from a completely different class, a little high-strung, and barely knows any of us. Boy #1 is messing around on the piano. )

Boy #1: “Do… Do re mi… F*** it.” *starts playing a very recognizable melody*

(Boy #1 gives up and starts playing a very recognizable melody on the piano instead.)

Boy #1: “Every single day, I walk down the street…”

Girl: *chimes in* “I hear people say, ‘Baby’s so sweet!'”

Me: “Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me!”

Boy #2: “Boys, girls, I can’t help it, baby!”

(Boy #1 abandons the piano and continues acapella. Meanwhile, the girl steps back and leads us into the backstage area.)

Boy #1: “So be kind and don’t lose your mind!”

Girl: “Just remember that I’m your baby!”

(This continues through the second chorus, often blending into harmony, with everyone jumping on tables and chairs, making grand gestures and dancing around until, at just the right part, our stage manager comes back stage and immediately looks confused.)

Me: “No way, can I be what I’m not!”

Boy #2: “But, hey, don’t you want your girl hot?!”

Stage Manager: “Hey, guys, the show’s about— What are you all doing?”

(Boy #1 completely ignores my stage manager and jumps down from his table, right behind where she’s standing.)

Boy #1: “Don’t fight, don’t lose your head!”

(He then drops down to his knees, grabs onto her leg, and looks up at her with puppy dog eyes.)

Boy #1: “‘Cause every night, who’s in your bed?!”

Stage Manager: “Wait, what’s he—”

Boy #1: “Who? Who’s in your bed? Kiss, pookie!”

(Boy #1 fluttered his eyes and made kissy faces at her before finally letting go. We all had to take three minutes to calm down enough from laughing from just the look on our temporary stage manager’s face to actually go out for our performance. When we told our regular teacher this later, she just started laughing and promised she’d show the other class Rent.)

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Keep A Close Crotch On This Student

| Learning | May 13, 2013

(I’m in an environmental science class for my science general education in college. The professor is explaining the difference between a jetty, usually used to stabilize an opening for an inlet, and a groin, used to prevent erosion.)

Professor: “So, let’s say [Student #1] built a groin where it would bulk up his section of shoreline. Then [Student #2] next door decided to build a groin for his section of beach, so all the sand moving with the current collects in front of his house instead of his neighbor’s. [Student #1], what would you do?”

Student #1: “I’d destroy his groin!”

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