(We are doing an experiment in chemistry where we burn a sample of an element and note the color of the flame.)

Student #1: *lights the element* “It is… orange.”

Student #2: “We can’t write orange again. What’s another adjective?”

Student #1: “Orange… juice?”

Student #2: “That actually kind of works.”

(The flame was a pale yellow-orange, and, apparently, that description actually worked.)

(I’m in a class about classical religion and we’re discussing Plato’s Timaeus and Pheto dialogues. At this point, our professor, who is extremely energetic, is asking us about physical bodies and souls.)

Professor: “So, why don’t you believe your body is you?”

Student #1: “Well… I’m a man, so obviously I’m a fish who got his act together.”

Professor: “All right, you’re a sea bass on the up and up! How many of you think you have souls?”

(At this point, less than half the class raises their hands, much to the professor’s confusion.)

Professor: “So… why don’t you think you have souls?”

Student #2: “Because I sold mine to the devil in order to finish my senior thesis.”

(I work in a high school where students are not allowed any phone calls within the walls. They have to step outside every time. Adults do the same to show a good example. It’s pouring outside and the corridor is empty. Teacher is holding a huge umbrella in one hand and her cellphone in another.)

Teacher: “I have to make an important phone-call but I don’t want to go back outside. Do you see any students around?”

Me: “Nope, looks like it’s all clear.”

Teacher: “I can’t get caught on the phone by a student. Okay, keep an eye out for me.”

(She opens her umbrella and crouches down to hide between it and the wall.)

Teacher: *talking on the phone, quite loudly* “Hello, this is Mrs. [Teacher]!”

(I am a substitute teacher helping to proctor AP exams. In the middle of the essay portion of a particularly grueling government & politics test, there is a disturbance out in the hallway: a couple of guys who I assume are students are shouting at each other. I step out of the room to send them on their way, and am surprised to find two teachers going back into their offices. I don’t want to start any drama in case I have to sub for one of these guys, so I pretend I didn’t see them shouting and follow one into the nearest office.)

Me: “Did you see what was going on out in the hallway just now? Someone was making an awful lot of noise out there, and it was disturbing the kids taking the AP tests.”

Teacher: *archly* “It’s a HALLWAY.”

(I am a little shocked by his rudeness, so I say nothing and go back to the testing area. Two days later, I’m proctoring another difficult exam. The students are returning from a ten-minute break, and a group of about fifteen of them are laughing and chatting as they return to the room. On the way, they pass the same teacher’s room, and he comes storming out.)

Teacher: *all but shouting* “You will be QUIET in the HALLWAY!”

(My class is writing essays on Stalin’s rise to power. Our history teacher, whilst a very good teacher, is very open about how great he thinks Stalin was.)

Student #1: “[Teacher], if I write ‘I love Stalin’ at the top of my work, will I get a [highest mark]?

Teacher: “No—”

Student #1: “Everyone, just write ‘I love Stalin’! Then we’ll all get [highest mark]!”

(This goes on a little until another student overhears Student #2 discussing with a friend.)

Student #2: *loudly* “[Student #1], did you just say ‘Stalin was a sneaky little jerk’?”

Student #1: “What? I—”

Student #3: “Ooh, you will so get [fail grade]!”