Seeing The Bro-ader Picture

| Learning | May 27, 2013

(I’ve been assigned to work with a group of three stereotypical “bros” for a project. These bros have been screwing around and slacking off the entire semester, but one has been particularly bad. Note: I’m female.)

Me: “You guys need to stop chatting and focus on what we’re doing here.”

Classmate: “Aw, dudes, you know what pisses me off? I’m so sick of seeing all these f*** and gay **** on TV. When I see a f** I just want to kick their ***.”

Me: “Okay, you know what? That’s it. You’re fired.”

Classmate: “Ha ha, what?”

Me: “You’re fired from my group, I’m not working with you anymore. I’m sick of listening to you. And for your information, I like women, so if you want to beat up a gay person I dare you to try it.”

Classmate: “Ha, I knew you were a f**** d***! You can’t kick me out of the group, I ain’t going anywhere!”

Me: “Fine, I’m going back to my table and starting my own group. You’re not welcome, but I’d like to remind your buddies that I have all the notes.”

His Friends: *to classmate* “Um, later dude. Good luck.”

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La Tutora Sabe Más Que Tú

| Learning | May 27, 2013

(I tutor students for the SAT (Verbal), History, English, and Spanish.)

Parent: “Excuse me; are you my child’s tutor?”

My Boss: “No, your child will be working with [my name]. She currently has a student, so please wait downstairs with [child].”

Parent: “Hmph. I’m paying so I think my child deserves a fair share.”

(I finish with my student and I go downstairs to greet the parent and my student. All goes well until…)

Parent: “Wait, you’re the one who tutors Spanish? You’re a cracker; you can’t speak Spanish!”

Me: “With all due respect, I can, in fact, speak Spanish. I happen to be better at reading and writing, but I’m not terrible.”

Parent: “Ugh! You couldn’t speak Spanish if you wanted to learn from Dora!”

Me: “Mira, tu hijo/a ya está esperando. Ahora, [child’s name] va a perder más tiempo con mi. No tenemos tiempo para tonterías. He pasado un año en España, enseñando ingles a niños en un colegio. Mi vida diaria era más española. ¿Y ahora, me dices que no puedo aprender español? ¡Vaya tela!”

(Translation: Look, your child is waiting. Now, your child will lose more time with me. We don’t have time for foolishness. I lived for a year in Spain teaching English as a second language to children in school. My daily life was Spanish. And now, you’re telling me I can’t learn Spanish? I can’t take it anymore!)

Parent: “I… um… well, that’s not fair! She’s a cracker and knows another language!”

My Boss: *to the parent* “Just leave. You’ve done enough damage for the day. Thank you and goodbye.”

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Happy Wife, Happy Life Lessons

| Learning | May 27, 2013

(The students have just finished listening to a story about two children fighting, and are writing a response to what they would do if they got into a fight with a friend. In the story, the fight took place between a girl and a boy. The student in this interaction is a boy.)

Me: “So, [student], what would you do?”

Student: “She’s the girl, so I would just agree with whatever she said.”

(I had to walk away because I was laughing so hard. This young man will make an excellent husband someday!)

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Well, That Was F.U.N.

| Learning | May 26, 2013

(I’m working as a graduate TA at a local high school. The teacher I’m assigned to conducts an independent study class two periods a day. During those classes, the students work on projects of their own choice individually or in small groups. Usually those classes are pretty quiet, but today, while the teacher is out…)

Student #1: *whistles the first line of the ‘Sponge Bob Square Pants’ theme song*

Student #2: “Sponge Bob Square Pants!”

Student #1: “Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!”

Student #2: “Sponge Bob Square Pants!”

Students #1 and #2: “If nautical nonsense be something ya wish…”

Half The Class: “Sponge Bob Square Pants!”

Students #1 and #2: “Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!”

Entire Class: “Sponge Bob Square Pants!”

(The teacher rips the door open and bursts in.)

Teacher: “What the h*** is going on here?!”

Student #1: “Ready?”

Entire Class: “Sponge Bob Square Pants! Sponge Bob Square Pants! Sponge Bob Square Pants!”

Entire Class and Teacher: “Sponge Bob… Square PAAAAAAANTS!”

Student #1: “Ah, har ha har har…”

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She Needs Her Brain Scanned

, | Learning | May 26, 2013

(I’m head technician at the call center for the campus IT department and receive a call from one of the program directors at an off-campus location.)

Me: “IT, how may I assist you?”

Program Director: “This new computer they sent me is broken! It won’t take my document!”

Me: “I’ll see what I can do, but you’re going to have to tell me a little more. First, what do you mean by ‘it won’t take’ your document?”

Program Director: “I have all these correspondences from all these people, and I’m supposed to put them on the computer. It won’t take them.”

Me: “Are you trying to type them in to a word processing program? Or are you wanting to scan them in using some kind of scanner device?”

Program Director: “DON’T GET TECHNICAL WITH ME! I’m an educated person,; I have TWO DOCTORATES, SO DON’T YOU DARE TALK DOWN TO ME!”

Me: “I’m not talking down to you; I assure you. If you don’t understand the terms I just used, I can define them for you and we can try to get you back on track here. Do you know what a word processing program is? Or a flat-bed scanner?”

Program Director: “There you go again, belittling me! I demand to speak to your supervisor!”

Me “Ma’am, you can speak to my supervisor, right after we fix this issue. I have no problem at all transferring you to the supervisor, but right now, I’d really like to just fix whatever the problem you are having, and then you can speak to the boss. Would that be alright with you? Fix the issue first, and then speak to the supervisor?”

Program Director: “Well, okay, but this had better not take much longer!”

Me: “I’ll go as fast as I can. Please tell me exactly how you are attempting to get the documents into the computer, one step at a time, if you would?”

Program Director: “Step by step? This is stupid, but okay, here goes. First, I pick up one of the letters that need to be in the computer. Got that?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Got it. Then what do you do with it?”

Program Director: “I hold it up in front of the big screen thing, but NOTHING HAPPENS. And so WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? I need to get going on this,; it is very important.”

Me: “Just one more question, I think, should do it. By ‘the big screen thing,’ do you by any chance mean the white box that kind of looks like a television, and has [brand name] on the front of it?”

Program Director: “Yes. That’s it exactly.”

(Turns out she was holding papers up to the monitor, and expecting the computer to be able to read them in, as if it was an eyeball or something. When she found out that she would have to type all these documents in to a word processing document, she about hit the ceiling.)

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