(We have just taken our first test in an introductory meteorology course and the professor is discussing our responses on the essay questions.)

Professor: “I got some interesting answers on the question about the greenhouse effect. Here, let me draw a diagram. First, the sun. Remember, when you draw diagrams with the sun in them, he has to have a smiley face. It’s not an authentic sun without a smiley face on it. That is our official policy here in the department of geosciences.”

(I’m on the bus. My good friend just transferred to my bus, and I’m pretty excited.)

Me: “You should ADD some happiness in your life!”

(I hand her a ‘+’ sign from a calculator I ripped up.)

Me: “You are just 2 awesome!”

(I hand her the ‘2’ key.)

Me: “I’m sure you’ll be awesome 4-ever!”

(I hand her the ‘4’ key.)

Me: “I think you 8 a bowl of Awesome Flakes for breakfast!”

(I hand her the ‘8’ key.)

Me: “This is your chance of failing!”

(I hand her the ‘0’.)

Me: *holding the MRC button but not really knowing what to say* “M, R, and C… uh… are letters?”

(I hand it to her.)

Me: “If you asked a German person if you were lame, he would say 9!”

(I hand her the ‘9’.)

Me: “Your chance of being awesome are 100%!”

(I hand her the ‘%’ key.)

Me: *handing her the ‘+/-‘ key* “You should ADD some happiness, DIVIDE up your problems, and SUBTRACT them from your life!”

Me: “When people walk by you and see how pretty you are, they say DIME, girl!”

(I hand her a dime.)

Me: “You’re really smart, and you dress SHARP!”

(I hand her my scissors.)

Friend #1: “Take these back! Stop handing me stuff!”

Friend #2: *to me* “You need to be PUNished!”

(We’re going over grades and assignments, just to make sure I haven’t missed something or input a wrong grade during the semester.)

Student: “So, why did I get a zero on that paper?”

Me: “Because you plagiarized part of it. Automatic zero.”

Student: “I know. I was so mad at my boyfriend when he did that.”

Me: “…”

(It’s freshman year in high school, and my German teacher is teaching us about food. We’re going over the names of nuts.)

Teacher: “So let’s start with ‘walnut.'”

Classmate #1: “Walnut is “WalnuSS.” *pronounces it, properly, as vahl-noos*

Teacher: “How about hazelnut?”

Classmate #2: “That’s ‘HaselnuSS'” *pronounces it hah-zel-noos*

Me: “So, if walnut is ‘WalnuSS’ and hazelnut is ‘HaselnuSS’ is peanut, ‘PeanuSS’?”

(Class and teacher are dead silent, until the teacher starts laughing, then so does the class. I finally catch on what I just said.)

Teacher: “No… no, that’s ‘ErdnuSS’ … but not a bad guess.”

(We are learning a Jewish love song in my class. The teacher has translated the lyrics for us and wants us to connect it to what teenagers would say nowadays.)

Teacher: “Okay, this line means ‘you are like the finest silk and spices.’ How would you interpret that, as teenagers?”

Student: “The booty is real.”