(I’m in college prep chemistry. The teacher is doing flame test demonstrations of various elements. With most of them, he’s told us beforehand what element he was using, but with this one, he doesn’t. He simply puts the wire with the element solution in the bunsen burner flame, then drops the wire, collapses on the floor and groans.)

Classmate: “Oh, my god! Is he okay?”

(The teacher laughs, although you can tell he’s trying not to, then keeps moaning. I go up and look at the label on the jar he had used, and chuckle.)

Me: “We should have known, guys. It’s krypton.”

(I am in a music theory class at a Christian university. Classmate #1 has just been updating Classmate #2, who is several seasons behind in ‘Doctor Who.’ He stops when the teacher gets up to explain corrections to the course syllabus regarding excused and unexcused absences.)

Teacher: “Some good examples of an excused absence are the wedding of a close family member, a doctor’s visit, or a school-approved ministry trip.”

(He pauses and looks at Classmate #1.)

Teacher: “That’s a doctor, not the Doctor.”

(I love this class.)

(I have a very friendly relationship with one of my professors. One day, I stumble in on him talking with another professor.)

Me: “Oh, sorry.”

Professor: *jokingly* “F*** off!”

Me: *laughs and leaves the room*

(Their talking resumes and I continue walking away, but a few seconds later…)

Me: *walking back in* “Wait, did I seriously just listen to you!?”

Professor: “Yes.”

Me:” I never listen to you.”

Professor: *sighing dramatically* “I know…”

(The teacher is walking up and down the classroom while we’re working. A student near him has crumpled up a piece of paper and left it on the edge of the desk.)

Classmate: “Put that in the bin, sir.”

Teacher: “What did your last slave die of?”

Classmate: “He didn’t put it in the bin.”

(Student #1 is doing homework while our teacher is working on our computer, getting our work ready. Student #2, their best friend, is helping. Student #3 is not paying attention.)

Student #1: *reading paper* “Hey, [Student #2], what’s a rectum?”

Student #2: “It’s where your solid waste is stored before you poop it out.”

Me: “Well, let’s hope it’s solid.”

Student #1: *still writing answer* “[Student #3], do you have a rectum?”

Student #3: “…”

Student #2: “EVERYBODY HAS A RECTUM!”

Teacher: “I’m adding that to the list of weird things I hear in this class.”