This Query Is Not Remotely Cheery

, | Canada | Learning | April 15, 2013

Student: “My professor wants me to use [Business Database] for my homework, but he said I have to use it in the library. I want to know how I can use it from home.”

Me: “Unfortunately, that database can only be used within the library at those two computers over there. They’re in use right now, so you should wait over there until one is available.”

Student: *rolls eyes* “No, you’re not listening. I want to use it from home.”

Me: “I understand it’s not as convenient, but we are not able to offer it outside of the library. You need to use it here, just like your professor said.”

Student: *speaking very slowly* “I do not want to use it in the library. I have Internet at home and I want to use this database from my home. Please show me how to log on from home to use this database.”

Me: “Let me see if I understand your question. You have to use [Business Database] for your homework. It is more convenient to do that from home, so you would like to use your library card to log on from home and use the database there. Is that your question?”

Student: “Finally! Yes, that’s it.”

Me: “We are able to do that with some databases, but not every database. The company that created that database has the right to restrict how and where we provide it to our users. They only allow us to have two dedicated computers with that database on it, and it must be used within the library. You cannot use it from home. We wish you could, but you can’t. Also, because there are only two computers available, there is sometimes a wait for them, so don’t leave your homework until the last minute as you might not be able to get on the computers right away. If you would like to wait over there by the dedicated terminals, I will come over and show you how to use it when it’s your turn.”

(There’s a long pause as all of this sinks in for the student. Suddenly, they yell back at me.)

Student: “Well, you don’t have to be such a b**** about it! God!” *storms off*

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Dislike Mother, Dislike Son

| Ames, IA, USA | Learning | April 15, 2013

(I am in middle school. I am waiting to go home because of a doctor’s appointment. I am making small talk to one of the assistants who I knew previously.)

Me: “Hi. How are you?”

Assistant: “Great! How is 7th grade suiting you?”

Me: “It’s fun so fa—”

(Suddenly, a loud, angry, rude woman bursts into the room and begins shouting at the assistant.)

Rude Woman: “I demand to know why my son was given a detention!”

Assistant: “Miss, will you please wait? I was talking to this student.”

Me: “No, it’s okay—”

Rude Woman: “I don’t care about this stupid little boy!”

Assistant: “I’m going to have to ask you to never say that again or leave.”

Rude Woman: “You can’t tell me what to do, you incompetent b****!”

Assistant: “I am now going to ask you to leave or I will have to call security.”

Rude Woman: “No! Not until you tell me why my son got a detention.”

(The assistant calls security and a security guard walks in.)

Security Woman: “I am going to have to ask you to leave, miss.”

Rude Woman: “No!”

(After going back and forth, the rude woman refuses to leave and the security woman finally has to drag her out forcefully.)

Me: “Why did her son get detention?”

Assistant: “Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but for swearing and being rude to a teacher.”

(The next day, I found out the assistant got a bonus and week off for going through this.)

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On A Winning Streak

| Provo, UT, USA | Learning | April 14, 2013

(There is a kid in my class who is known for being a class clown. Because we live in a town with two colleges, we get a student teacher from January through April. This year, our teacher is a very attractive young female who the class clown has a crush on.)

Student Teacher: “Guys, I’m disappointed. I warned you that this was a very difficult paper to write. Over half of my last class failed because of my 10-point rule. It’s worth 200 points, so it is a huge part of your grade. I expected better.”

(My entire class starts freaking out as she passes out the papers.)

Class Clown: *repeating* “Please, please let me pass—”

(He stops as he sees his paper: a nice, big score of 180.)

Class Clown: “Excuse me.”

(The class clown stands up and takes off his shirt.)

Student Teacher: “Whoa! What do you think you’re doing?!”

Class Clown: “I am going streaking in the hallway. Bye.”

(My student teacher was too embarrassed to stop him. He was quickly stopped by the school officer, who was luckily right outside!)

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Signs It’s Time For A Break

, | Ohio, USA | Learning | April 14, 2013

(In my sign language class, we are learning how to tell someone why we need to leave a pre-arranged meeting early, why we need to leave it immediately, or why we missed the last one. We get slips of paper explaining which one we are assigned, but we get to make up our own reasons.)

Teacher: “Alright, [my name], your turn.”

Me: *in ASL* “I have to leave class early today to go to the dentist.”

(The signs for ‘go’ and ‘fast’ are very similar.)

Teacher: “Actually, to say ‘go,’ instead of doing what you did, you need to do this.” *demonstrates the sign for ‘go’* “What you did was the sign for ‘fast.’ Alright, [Student #1], your turn.”

Student #1: *in ASL* “I need to leave class right now,; my brother just died.”

Teacher: “Well, how’d he die?”

Student #1: *in ASL* “I killed him.”

Teacher: “… [Student #2]?”

Student #2: *in ASL* “Sorry I missed the last class. I was on vacation in New York City.”

(This story obviously does not take place in New York City.)

Teacher: “Oh, really?”

Student #2: *in English* “Yeah, I’m still there, actually.”

Student #1: “Wait, how does—”

Student #2: “This is the hologram version of me.”

(Student #1 reaches over to touch Student #2, who backs away.)

Student #2: “Hey, the real me just came back! Gotta go!” *runs out of the classroom*

Student #1: “I need to go kill my brother.” *runs out of classroom, too*

Me: “And I need to see a fast dentist!” *also runs out of the classroom*

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It’s Easy To Look Backwards When You Have Command Seating

| Storrs, CT, USA | Learning | April 13, 2013

Professor: “The people in Looking Backwards wouldn’t say things like, ‘Only good people drive Cadillacs.'”

Student: “If you’ve ever been stuck behind an Escalade, you know that’s not true anyway.”

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