Laptop Flop Meets Military Intelligence

, , , , | Working | April 26, 2018

(I am in the army, where I am working as the only computer and networking tech. This means supporting over two hundred end-users all alone. A brand-new lieutenant walks into my office on a particularly busy day.)

Lieutenant: “I need a brand-new laptop, now!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Lieutenant: “I said I need a brand-new laptop. Time now!”

Me: “Okay, sir. What exactly is going on with the one you were issued?”

(I just issued them a laptop that morning.)

Lieutenant: “The one you gave me is too old. It doesn’t even connect to the Internet, and I need a new one to work.”

(Cue the feeling that they’re doing something stupid.)

Me: “Well, sir, give me a few minutes, as I am working on the Commander’s laptop and it is my current priority.”

Lieutenant: “I DON’T GIVE A D*** IF YOU’RE WORKING ON THE PRESIDENT’S LAPTOP! I NEED A NEW ONE, NOW, AND THAT’S AN ORDER!”

(Deep breath.)

Me: “All right, sir. Before I can, I need to properly diagnose your system at your workstation. If you’ll show me your desk…”

(After a short walk down the hall to another office where several officers and NCOs are working, the lieutenant shows me his laptop and I immediately find the problem. At this unit, all Wi-Fi is disabled, so the only way to connect to the Internet is via a hard line. In this case, the line is not connected to his laptop. Holding up the disconnected cable, I turn to the lieutenant.)

Me: “Sir, you need to plug this in for the Internet to work… as I explained this morning when I issued this laptop to you.”

(I dropped the cable on his desk and walked out back to my office. I could hear the other officers and NCOs laughing all the down the hall.)

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