Lactose But No Cigar

(I work in a grocery store in the deli department. It is very close to closing time for our department. I’m pretty tired when this customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Do you have any lactose cheese?”

Me: “Um… we’re done slicing for the night, but I can help you look on the shelf. What kind of cheese?”

Customer: “I don’t know, lactose cheese!”

Me: “Ma’am, lactose just means it has milk in it. Are you looking for a swiss, a cheddar—“

Customer: “Yes! Cheddar!”

Me: “Okay.”

(We go look and I find that all the cheddar cheeses on our shelves have milk, and therefore lactose, in them.)

Me: “Was there a specific brand you were looking for?”

Customer: “I don’t know! He just needs lactose cheese for his diet! He has to have lactose!”

Me: “Well… all these cheeses have lactose in them… but I’ve never heard of needing lactose for a diet. I’ve heard of lactose-free cheese—“

Customer: “Yes! Lactose-free!”

Me: *sudden realization* “Ohhh, you mean lactose-free cheese… Um…”

(My coworker sees me struggling with this customer.)

Coworker: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Yes! Lactose cheese!”

Me: “Lactose-free cheese…”

Coworker: “Ah, yes, that would most likely be in our kosher section.”

Me: *lightly slaps head* “Urgh, how did I forget about the kosher section?”

Coworker: “It’s just down here, this way.”

(My coworker finished helping the customer find the cheese while I went back to the department to finish cleaning the last slicer and marvel at how brainless both the customer and I were.)