Keeping Abreast Of Outrageous Complaints

, , , , , | Working | June 2, 2018

(A coworker and I are in our manager’s office, giving a verbal status report to our manager about a rapidly changing situation. I am male. My manager is female, somewhat flat-chested, and an out lesbian. My coworker is female and quite busty; it’s rumored that the office manager hired her as eye candy.)

Me: “…and in conclusion, [Manager], I’ll keep you abreast of the situation as it develops.”

Coworker: “Did you hear what he just said? He sexually harassed me!”

Me: “I wasn’t even talking to you. I was addressing [Manager].”

Coworker: “You just commented on my breasts, you perv!”

Manager: “No, he did not.”

Coworker: *yelling* “You’re a perv, too, you [lesbian slur]! You probably get off fantasizing about my chest!”

Manager: “I am quite happy with my partner, and do not need to think about you.”

Coworker: “You’re all against me! I’ll call corporate and complain!”

Manager: “I will call them myself. I’ll put the regional manager on speaker.”

(True to her word, she dials the regional manager and puts the call on speakerphone.)

Manager: “One of my employees, [Coworker], claims she was sexually harassed because [My Name] used the word ‘abreast’ in a verbal status report the two of them were giving to me about [developing situation]. I have the call on speakerphone, and both of them in my office right now.”

Regional Manager: “[Coworker], is that your complaint?”

Coworker: “Yes!”

Regional Manager: “Complaint denied. Look up ‘abreast’ in a dictionary.”

Coworker: *enraged* “YOU’RE ALL AGAINST ME!”

(She punches a wall, kicks over a potted plant, and bolts out of my manager’s office.)

Regional Manager: “I’m glad all my phone calls on this line are recorded.”

(When the coworker returned the next day, my manager fired her on the spot for destruction of company property, referring to the wall and the plant.)

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