Keep Calm And Cop On

(We have one female coworker on our shift, and despite the fact that we’re all more physically intimidating than she is, we usually will let her handle aggressive customers because she tends to freak them out. Not only is she a calm person, but she can’t read body language and therefore doesn’t respond to menacing behavior. Note: she’s also one of the smallest people working in the store.)

Customer: *barges up to the counter* “You f***ing people sold me some piece of s*** equipment that doesn’t f***ing work!”

Female Coworker: *blank stare* “I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It doesn’t f***ing work! What, do you got cotton in your ears, little girl?”

Female Coworker: *dead pan* “You did indicate that the device is not working, sir. I was asking for clarification.”

Customer: *uneasy* “Well it ain’t… downloadin’ stuff like it’s s’posed to.”

Female Coworker: *holds out her hand* “May I?”

(She examines the device for a moment, then turns it off and opens the back of it.)

Female Coworker: “Sir, how long have you had this device?”

Customer: “Six weeks.”

Female Coworker: “…and in that time, how much exposure to water or other liquid has it had?”

Customer: *leans in and gets in her face* “Don’t you DARE try to blame this on me, you f***ing b***! You little godd*** c***! This is all your fault I know you sold me a faulty device! You will fix it or give me my money back, because I didn’t do s***!”

Female Coworker: *smiling calmly* “Sir, did you perhaps drop it in the snow last week?”

Customer: “What the f***’s that got to do with anything?”

Female Coworker: *hands him the device* “When you can answer that, I’m sure anyone here will be happy to help you. However, as the device has been compromised and not by a factory defect, I’m afraid I cannot help you at this time.”

(Surprisingly, the customer returned a week later, and very sheepishly apologized for his behavior. On that same occasion, another customer with less self-control tried to take a swing at my female coworker. We were delighted to discover the first customer was in fact a cop, and got to watch the other guy get arrested in the middle of the store.)