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Jesus Won’t Do Your Math Homework For You

, , , , , , | Right | January 4, 2019

Customer: “I want five pounds of the [Low-Quality, Bargain Brand] ham, chipped.”

(I groan inside, as this order will take a long time and a lot of elbow grease. When I’m about a third of the way done, the man looks displeased.)

Customer: “G**d***, boy! What the h***’s takin’ so long?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. This is going to take a while.”

Customer: “The guy who helped me last week didn’t take this long!”

(He might not remember that I was the one who served him last week, but I do, because of his attitude and his politically provocative hat, which he’s wearing again today.)

Me: “Last week you didn’t order this much, and you didn’t want it chipped, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah? So?”

Me: “You asked for more meat, sliced thinner, so it’ll take more time.”

Customer: “You’re just lazy!”

Me: “It’s not a question of that, sir. It’s like a distance-rate-time problem.”

Customer: “The h*** are you talkin’ about?”

Me: “Like from algebra class. Distance equals rate times time; therefore, time equals distance divided by rate. Increasing the distance and decreasing the rate both increase time, like driving down a longer road at a slower speed.”

(The customer looks at me like I put on a chicken costume and started tap-dancing. Then his face lights up.)

Customer: “You’re talkin’ about that liberal f****** math and science voodoo s***!”

Me: *deadpan expression* “Yup.”

Customer: “I don’t need that s***! I got Jesus!”

Me: “Well, Jesus won’t make this go any faster, either.”

Customer: “Kiss my a**!”