I’ve Lost My Appetite, Thanks

, , , , , , | Working | January 4, 2021

We’ve got a new member of our team: a girl who is fresh out of high school. Nerdy and cheerful, she’s rapidly become a popular member of the workplace. She’s asked us when all our birthdays are and volunteered to personally bake birthday cakes for everyone.

It’s at the end of the day on Friday. Everyone is packing up and preparing to go home. [New Girl] goes up to a coworker of ours.

New Girl: “Hi, [Coworker]. Your birthday is on Monday. What type of birthday cake would you like?”

Coworker: “What do you have?”

New Girl: “I can make any type of cake: the usuals like red velvet or chocolate, or more exotic flavours like Pandan or orange. If you don’t like cake, I can make a jelly cake, or bake bread or pies.”

Coworker: *Leers* “Ooh, pies. Can I have a creampie?”

All of us swivel our heads and stare at him with “WTF?!” looks plastered on our faces. We expected him to be slapped, but [New Girl] just continues on.

New Girl: *Writing on a notepad* “Yeah, I can give you a cream pie. You like them?”

Coworker: *Leers even more* “Yup, I just love popping cherries and creampies.”

Again, she doesn’t slap him. In fact, her expression doesn’t even move anywhere near disgust. With dawning horror, we now realise just how innocent and naive she is.

New Girl: “Okay. Popping cherries. Never tried that before but that can be arranged.”

She snaps her notebook shut, waves us all goodbye, and walks out the front door. As soon as she leaves, we all start shouting at [Coworker].

Me: “What the f*** were you thinking? She’s seventeen!”

Manager: “Don’t corrupt the new girl! That innocence must be preserved!”

Coworker #2: “You sick, perverted a**hole! You’d better get your mind out of the gutter right now!”

Cleaner: “She’s young enough to be your daughter! Heck, she’s younger than my granddaughter!”

We spend almost an hour screaming at our coworker, but he is adamant that there is no teenager alive that would have missed all the connotations.

On Monday:

New Girl: *Holding out a pie box* “Happy birthday, [Coworker]! Here’s your popped cherry cream pie. I hope you enjoy it!”

Yeah, she was just that innocent.

None of us could find the heart in us to ruin her innocence. We voted, and in the end, [Cleaner], a kindly old woman, sat her down and gave her The Talk about men and young women. [New Girl] lost all her cheerfulness and absolutely distrusted men after that, [Coworker] especially.

The workplace was never the same again.

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