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I’ve Gotta Get Out Of Displace

| Working | October 11, 2015

(I frequently go into a nearby ice cream parlor for a ‘hand-packed’ bucket of ice cream, which the attendant fills after you select the size and flavor.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like a 1lb. 8oz. container of [flavor].”

Attendant #1: “What size?”

Me: “…1lb. 8oz.”

Attendant #1: “We don’t have that.”

Me: “…Medium?”

Attendant #1: “We don’t have a medium. Do you want a pint?”

Me: “Does your pint weight 1lb. 8oz.?”

Attendant #1: “Why would I know that?”

Me: “Because the sizes on your menu are listed by weight.”

Attendant #1: “…So you want a quart then?”

Me: “Please show me the sizes of container you have.”

(Attendant #1 holds up three buckets.)

Me: “Okay, I would like the medium one.”

Attendant #1: “All right.”

(Weeks later:)

Me: “Hi, I would like a 1lb. 8oz. container of [flavor].”

Attendant #2: “Is… is that the half-gallon?”

Me: “It’s the medium.”

Attendant #2: “Okay…”

(Days later:)

Me: “Hi, I would like the 1lb. 8… I would like a medium container of [flavor].”

Attendant #1: “We don’t got medium.”

Me: “You’re out of containers?”

Attendant #1: “No, we don’t carry mediums.”

Me: “The median of the three sizes on the menu?”

Attendant #2: “Menu’s wrong. We only have two sizes now.”

Me: “…Are either of those sizes the same size as the buckets that were medium earlier this week?”

Attendant #2: “Same buckets even!”

Me: “…and they are now?”

Attendant #2: “Small.”

Me: “May I have a small, please?”

Attendant #1: “Sure.”

(Epilogue: they’re considering ceasing sale of the large size, because nobody buys them, because it’s inexplicably significantly more expensive per ounce than the smaller containers… and they still haven’t fixed their menu.)

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