Internot Getting It

(I have just moved into an apartment in Orlando. It’s a converted fisherman’s village by a lake, and each small building has three tiny apartments. After I finish all the paperwork, I ask the company who owns the building this.)

Me: “By the way, do you know what company provides Internet access to these apartments?”

Employee: “I believe that would be [Telcom #1].”

Me: “Great, thanks.”

(Later on, I go to [Telcom #1]’s storefront. I talk to a salesperson there and we start getting me signed up.)

Employee: “What’s your address?”

Me: “[Address].”

Employee: “I’m not seeing that. Where is that?”

Me: “It’s just down the road from here, about a mile or less.”

Employee: “And what was that again?”

Me: “[Address].”

Employee: “Yeah… That’s not on our service map. We just don’t have the infrastructure there to get you connected. Sorry. We can’t give you Internet.”

Me: “Oh, bummer. Sorry for wasting your time.”

(I leave. Using public Wi-Fi, I do a search for my new zip code and Internet providers and am given a list. I call a second telcom.)

Me: “Hi. I’m checking to see if you guys provide Internet connections to my address?” *gives address*

Telcom #2: “Hmm… Mo, I’m sorry, we’re not showing that on our service map.”

(This repeats for every single Internet provider and telephone company that provides service in my zip code. I call, they check my address, and nothing comes up. One or two of them even recommend I try [Telcom #1]. After I run out of new companies to call, I call the leasing office again.)

Me: “Hi. I recently moved into [Property] and I was wondering if you guys had any information on who provides Internet there?”

Lease Office Employee: “Sorry, we don’t. You would have to do a search for your zip code and call the local companies.”

Me: “Uh… okay, great. Thank you.”

(By this point, I’ve gotten friendly with my neighbors and I stop by when they’re hanging out outside one evening.)

Me: “Hey, I have a question. You guys have Internet, right?”

Neighbor: “Yeah, of course.”

Me: “Who’s your provider?”

Neighbor: “[Telcom #1].”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Neighbor: “Yeah.”

(He reaches into his apartment and picks up a bill off of a little mail table by the door. He opens it up and shows me.)

Neighbor: “They’ve been providing me Internet since I moved in here.”

Me: *with barely contained frustration* “Thank you. You’ve been very helpful.”

(The next day is my day off, so I call [Telcom #1].)

Me: “Hi. I’m looking to set up an Internet connection at my address.” *gives address*

Telcom #1: “Let me look that up… No, I’m sorry, we don’t provide Internet to that location.”

Me: “Okay, but my neighbor says you do and he has Internet from you.”

Telcom #1: “I don’t know what to tell you. I’m looking at my service map right now and we don’t provide service to that area. We don’t have any infrastructure.”

Me: “I literally saw the bill with my own eyes. You are billing my neighbor for Internet and he lives in a building like twelve feet from mine.”

Telcom #1: “I really don’t know why that would be. We absolutely do not provide Internet to your address or any address in your neighborhood.”

(There’s a long pause as I try to think of some way to make sense of this.)

Telcom #1: “We provide DSL Internet, though.”

Me: *pause* “Beg pardon?”

Telcom #1: “We don’t provide Internet, but we provide DSL Internet.”

Me: “So… you don’t provide Internet… but you provide DSL Internet.”

Telcom #1: “Yeah. Why? Is that something you would be interested in?”

Me: “Yes, it would.”

(Fortunately, they eventually connected me to the DSL Internet… which was extremely different from the Internet.)