Industry Misleading
The smaller bank I worked for had just been taken over by one of the largest banks, and a very enthusiastic senior manager was sent to our ‘back office’ to explain all the new, exciting changes that would be happening.
Manager: “You’ll find we’re much, much more flexible than [Old Bank] was. We’re industry-leading on flexibility! For instance, you’ll all be getting seven weeks’ holiday a year from now on!”
Colleague: “We currently get more, though.”
Manager: “And that’s now an industry-leading seven!”
Crowd: *Rumbling.*
Manager: “And we’ve got some great perks. For instance, you can get an industry-leading mortgage through [New Bank]!”
Another Colleague: “What’s the discount to the public interest rate?”
Manager: “There’s no discount, but our mortgages are industry-leading!”
Crowd: *More rumbling.*
A Further Colleague: “We get a discount currently, so that’s no help.”
Manager: “And when you move to our industry-leading modern building next month—”
Voice From Crowd: “Nobody told us about that.”
Manager: “…we’re in the centre of things, so you’ve got [expensive takeaway shop] and [another expensive takeaway shop] right there for lunch!”
Crowd: *Very angry rumbling.*
Another Voice: “We have a subsidised sit-down canteen now, though.”
Manager: “No more terrible food, and you can join our industry-leading staff empowerment programmes when you’re eating at your desk!”
Crowd: *Early sounds of rioting.*
A Different Voice: “We’ll see what [Union] has to say about this.”
Manager: “We don’t need unions here, we’re industry leading in our staff relationship management!”
Me: “This is all fascinating, but I think you’re about to have some huge legal problems.”
Manager: “Of course not, we’re industry leading! Who are you?”
Me: “I’m the [Union] representative for everybody you see here. I think you need to go and get your manager.”
Manager: “But we’re industry leading!”
And with that, she ran to the door. Two minutes later, another person appeared.
New Person: “Um, we seem to have got off on the wrong foot here. You’ve misunderstood what [Manager] was saying. Now, shall we all get back to work?”
Me: “Do you want to hang about for a bit? I need to call [Union], and I think they’re going to want to talk to you.”
New Person: “Oh, there’s no need for that!”
Me: “Quite right. I think [Union General Secretary] will be talking directly to the CEO, so it’ll be fine.”
Six weeks later, we all got laid off, which was probably better than staying under the new bank’s “industry-leading” management.
