Incredibly Incognito

(I’ve been called to the registers, where a customer has been causing a scene because our cashier cannot find a book she ordered.)

Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am. Did you receive a phone call that your order was in?”

Customer: “No! But I ordered it a month ago and the salesperson told me it would only take about five days. I knew that girl was an idiot!”

Cashier: “I searched all over and I can’t find a book under her name. There isn’t even a record of it in our system.”

Me: “Is it possible you ordered it at a different store? We wouldn’t—”

Customer: “NO! Stop asking me stupid questions and find my d***ed book!”

Me: “What was the title of the book? I can try to find your order that way.”

Customer: “It was [Title Of Book]. Honestly, I can’t believe how incompetent you people are. No wonder everyone shops online these days. I’d look into it myself, but I never give out my personal information. Anyway, can you believe it’s been A MONTH?! What kind of business are you running, anyway? Frankly, I don’t think I should have to pay for it.”

Me: “Well, someone did place an order for that book, but the name doesn’t match yours and it was only two days ago.”

Customer: “That’s it! That’s my order!”

Me: “But the name isn’t yours, and there’s a completely different home address and phone number.”

Customer: “Are you deaf?! I just told you I never give my personal information out!”

Me: “Wait, so if you used a different name and phone number, why didn’t you give us that information instead?”

Customer: “I made it up! You people are always asking for information. How am I supposed to remember what I told you?!”

Me: “You also said you ordered it a month ago.”

Customer: “Oh, am I supposed to keep track of how long it’s been?! You want me to do your WHOLE job for you?! I don’t care! I just want the book!”

Me: “You also called us incompetent. Repeatedly.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t live in the past so much. It’ll give you wrinkles!”