In Serious Need Of De-Cath

(I am on a medication that requires me to get blood work done every six months to check levels. I always go to the same lab with the same form from the same doctor. I have been doing this for three years, when I see a new front desk person.)

Me: “Hi. I’m all signed in. Here is my form. Do you need my insurance card?”

Front Desk Person: *without looking up* “Not if you’ve been here before. Go sit down. Someone will eventually call you in.”

(Before I can even sit, the front desk person YELLS across the room.)

Front Desk Person: “Hey! You, [My Name], get back up here! We can’t do this test! What the h*** are all these stupid-a** doctors sending you people here for? This is gross! When will they learn?! I’ve had to send 11 people out of here today. Every test description on the computer that I pull up says ‘catheter!’ Like, ‘EWW!’ You need to go to the hospital to get that! F****** morons!”

Me: “I think you may be misunderstanding this, ma’am. This is a blood lab. I only need blood drawn. I come here every six months for this. Can you ask someone else?”

(The front desk person clearly does not know catheters are not only used for voiding the bladder, but that there are other types, as used in a blood lab.)

Front Desk Person: “NO! I AM A NURSE! I KNOW THIS STUFF AND ALL OF YOU PEOPLE HAVE STUPID DOCTORS! NOW GO AWAY!”

(The phlebotomist who usually takes my blood hears the screaming and comes out.)

Phlebotomist: “Hey, what’s going on? Why are you screaming at my patient?
Front Desk Person: “Because she does not get that we can’t do anything for her. She needs to go to a hospital and get another doctor! Look!”

(The front desk person pulls up code for my blood draw on her computer.)

Front Desk Person: “I’ve already had to send 11 other people away today because their stupid-a** doctors can’t get that we don’t put catheters in people here! That’s just gross! Why come here!?”

Phlebotomist: What the h*** are you talking about? It’s just a blood draw! You do know that right? The word catheter does not only refer to one type! You sent away 11 people? That’s why it’s been dead here! What is wrong with you?!”

(The phlebotomist turns to me.)

Phlebotomist: “I’m so sorry about this. Come on in and I will get you done quick.”

Me: “Thanks! For a nurse she really is quite stupid, huh?”

Phlebotomist: “Nurse? No, she is not. Not even close! She told you that? I think it’s time for her to go.”

(I get my blood drawn and am leaving.)

Front Desk Person: “I TOLD YOU WE DON’T DO THAT! TOLD YOU! HAHAHA!”

Me: “Lady, you are wrong on so many levels.”

(Suddenly, I hear her paged to the back office by a really angry sounding voice.)

Me: “But have a nice day!”

Front Desk Person: “Shove it! You are wrong! You are going to die because your doctor is stupid! Get out! I have a very important meeting with the big boss right now! He just called me in.”

Me: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

(I leave and she continues to yell behind the door. Six months later I head back. The employees told me she was fired on the spot that day but never could understand why. They said security had to take her out and she was screaming about stupid doctors, stupid patients and how they don’t do catheters there!)