In-Cider Trading

, , , , , | Right | August 24, 2018

(These two regulars come in who have always been incredibly nice to me, always making jokes, etc., and always order the same thing. When I see them walk in, I start getting their cider’s uncapped, and they’re super happy.)

Regular #1: “Oh, hey, darling. You know us so well!”

Regular #2: “You’re such a sweetheart!”

(They start sipping away and I start to realize how drunk they actually are: drinking very slowly and slightly swaying. I keep an eye on them while I go upfront to grab someone’s jacket from coat check, when I see [Regular #1] putting the two ciders into his pea-coat jacket pockets. The liquor laws in my city are very strict, and we have a liquor inspector come by roughly every two weeks. At this point he hasn’t come for three weeks, so I am expecting him.)

Me:  “[Regular #1], what are you doing buddy? You know you can’t take those outside. Nice try, though!”

Regular #1: “You got me this time!”

(I go back to the bar, and I’m in the middle of serving someone, when I see the two of them just book it outside. Mind you, they haven’t even paid yet. I finish the transaction quickly and run after them.)

Me: *at this point I’m getting peeved* “Hey! Buddy! What did I just say?”

Regular #1: “Oh, don’t be such a spaz; we won’t tell anyone.”

Me: “If you want to finish your drinks, you have to do it inside. I will not risk getting our liquor licence suspended.”

Regular #1: “But I paid for these!”

(Classic drunk person excuse.)

Me: “Yeah, that’s why I said you can finish those ciders inside. Either walk inside with me, or give me the bottles.”

Regular #2: “Ugh, let’s go [Regular #1]. We don’t need this s***.”

(They proceed to shoo me away and turn around to walk. Now I’m really angry.)

Me: “HEY, I’M TALKING TO YOU! You’re in the business; you know how this works. Give those back now! I will not say this again.”

Regular #1: “Do you have any idea how much money I spent here? I paid for these, okay? And I am going to enjoy them.”

Me: “Yeah, [Regular #1], thank you oh-so-much for the $16 you spend here once a month. Without you we’d be bust, right?”

(It’s at this point that [Regular #1] gets right up in my face with all the attitude in the world.)

Regular #1: “Look here, b****. You’re really nice, okay? Let’s keep it that way. Now take that little mouth of yours and f*** off.”

(Realising I wasn’t going to get anywhere unless the situation got physical, I let them walk. I found the bottles around the corner an hour later after we closed the bar. They were still almost full.)

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