I’m Gonna Tell Your Grandma!

Just before Christmas, my housing development experienced a streak of package theft. Doorbell cameras weren’t common yet and most of us worked away from home, so we didn’t have a way to see who was doing what.

I ordered a large and expensive gift for my parents and decided to take the day off when it was due to be delivered. I heard someone talking on my porch just as I was stepping out of the bathroom near the door. Thinking it was the delivery driver, I opened the door to see a woman in sweatpants and a sweater reaching down to pick up the large box. She stared at me.

Woman: *In a sing-song tone* “Hello!”

Me: *With the same tone* “F*** you.”

She tried to take the box anyway, but I grabbed the collar of her sweater and yanked hard enough that she fell on her backside. She got up and ran down the street to jump into a car and drive off.

I filed a police report but I never heard anything about it from the police. I told my neighbors what had happened, and one of the elderly women identified her as the granddaughter of another resident. At first, the other resident was mad at me for assaulting her granddaughter and threatened legal action. When I told my side of the story, the thefts mysteriously stopped.