I’m Gonna Give You A Pizza My Mind

I have quite severe Asperger’s and also social anxiety and paranoia. Because of this, I’m usually wearing headphones and listening to music to block out environmental noise.

I’m in a shop where I’m friends with one of the few staff members that don’t mind that I’m “weird,” and we have some running jokes such as where we pretend to chat each other up in an obviously jokey manner. We are both in relationships.

Friend: “See you later, babe.”

Me: “You know it.”

The customer behind me speaks to my friend.

Customer: “I can’t believe you have to put up with r****ds like him.”

Friend: “My friend, you mean?”

The customer is taken aback by the fact she’s defending me.

Customer: *Pointing to me* “Yeah, him. You’re obviously funny in the head and probably spend all day playing with knives and will one day snap and end up killing people.”

Me: “Probably, and if I do, who do you think I’m coming after first?”

Customer: “See, he just threatened to kill me! I want him thrown out of the store.”

Friend: “Sorry, I didn’t hear anything; these tills are very loud.”

Customer: “Right, I’m having him arrested. I’m calling the police, and you’ll be fired, too.”

Me: “There are several security cameras on this till and half a dozen witnesses who have seen you commit several acts of disability discrimination and behave aggressively to both other customers and staff. What will you tell them exactly?”

Customer: “Well, uh, you’re just an idiot that probably talks to the voices in his head.”

Me: “That’s right, and right now nine out of the ten voices in my head are telling me to advise you to sleep with one eye open.”

The customer storms out.

Friend: “And the tenth voice?”

Me: “It says I want pizza.”