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I’m An Adult And I Wouldn’t Eat It, Either

, , , , , | Learning | CREDIT: _hylas | May 6, 2021

My parents used to try and pull the “if you don’t finish your food you can’t get up from the table” trick, but I’d say, “Fine,” and sit at the table for hours until they gave in. There was no phone, no TV, no anything — just me, some vegetables, and a set of exhausted parents. I was apparently totally capable of just… saying no and sticking to my guns.

Fast forward to a school trip. It’s lunchtime and on offer are sandwiches. A couple of kids have cheese and onion sandwiches, but the rest of us are being offered, insanely, pâté sandwiches. I think this is a crazy thing to feed a group of forty schoolchildren, but clearly, the school didn’t agree. I ask if I can have a cheese and onion sandwich and I’m told that no, I can’t, because I had to sign up for the vegetarian option in advance.

At this age, I have no idea what pâté is, but I can see it and smell it, and I know it’s not happening. I ask again for some cheese and onion sandwiches, and I’m told there’re none left and I’m going to have to eat the other kind.

I was an absolute model student up until the age of, like, sixteen, but there is this one teacher who absolutely hates me regardless. Think, “How dare you write in cursive when I haven’t taught you cursive yet?!” She seizes upon this opportunity.

Teacher: “Don’t be picky! You’re holding everyone up. You should just eat the sandwich.”

I’m poking this thing and the texture is totally freaking me out — my biggest issue with most foods.

Me: “Can I just skip lunch?”

Teacher: “No, absolutely not. You have to eat and you have to eat that sandwich.”

Me: “I’m not trying to be fussy, but if I try and eat that sandwich, I’m going to throw up.”

Teacher: “Stop being dramatic. You’re not going to throw up; you’re just a picky eater and you need to get over it.”

So, I bit into the sandwich, and not fifteen seconds later, I started throwing up everywhere. Clearly, [Teacher] was not expecting this and she had no idea how to react.

A bunch of the other teachers came over to check that everything was okay, and she tried to explain to them what had happened. They had to call my parents — as was the throwing up protocol — and they were very interested to know why the teacher had force-fed their child a lukewarm pâté sandwich.

In the end, they broke out the crisps and an apple because, unsurprisingly, there were things to eat other than meat paste in bread, and [Teacher] gave me a wide berth for a good few weeks.

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