I’m A Vegetarian But I Still Have Teeth

(I’ve been going through a rough patch, so to cheer me up, my mom takes me out to lunch at a pizzeria we used to frequent when I was a kid. Unfortunately, her clingy friend is also there and decides to sit with us. Mom is too nice for her own good, and my brain isn’t fully on when I’m hungry.)

Waitress: “Hello, are you ready to order?”

Mom: “We’ll have the meat-lover special.”

Me: “And I’ll have a small vegetarian and soda.”

(As soon as the waitress leaves.)

Mom’s Friend: “Vegetarian? Bah, silly kids and your diets. You’re already skinny.”

Me: “It’s not a diet. I don’t like eating meat, that’s all.”

Mom’s Friend: “Nonsense, humans have—”

Me: “Humans have eaten meat for thousands of years. I heard that speech before. I have my lifestyle and you have yours. I’m hungry, I’ve had a bad few weeks, and you invited yourself to what was supposed to be mother-son time. Tread carefully.”

(She was quiet for the rest of our time at the pizzeria. Thank God she didn’t come after us. I simply can’t understand why Mom keeps considering her a friend. This was mild compared to other times.)