I’m A Mac, With Reinforcements

Customer: “How much is this iPod Touch thingy?”

Me: “$229, sir.”

Customer: “Now, I’ve heard that these things can get the Internet, right?”

Me: “That’s correct.”

Customer: “How does it get the Internet without any wires?”

Me: “Well, it works the same way a computer would; you can connect to any Wi-Fi netwo-”

Customer: “WHOA! Wi-Fi? I can’t use Wi-Fi!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Haven’t you heard?”

Me: “…no?”

Customer: “Wi-Fi is what causes cancer. People are getting cancer more and more because we keep expanding our Wi-Fi networks. I’m only safe because of this!”

(He pulls out a pendant he was wearing as a necklace under his shirt. It is a cylindrical white plastic container with a radioactive sticker on it.)

Customer: “This thing right here protects me! It’s protecting you right now too!”

Me: “Oh… OK…”

Customer: “Yeah. Inside of this, there’s a thing that goes faster than the speed of light!”

(He starts to flap his arms wildly in a circle to demonstrate ‘faster than light,’ while making a ‘whoosh’ sound.)

Me: “…cool…”

Customer: “YEAH, IT IS! On TV they try to tell us that things can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but I know that’s garbage! They just want us to get cancer. You NEED to get one of these things, man!”

Me: “Um… yeah. Well, I’m sorry about the iPod then. Is there anything else you need help with?”

Customer: “What? I want the iPod!”

Me: “I thought it would give you cancer?”

Customer: “No. I’m PROTECTED.”

Me: “…”