I’ll Bring You All Your Plates As Soon As They Stop Spinning

It’s the dinner rush, and I am obviously very busy. While I am rushing around, clearly doing a million things:

Diner #1: “You! Boy! Bring me some samples of all the sodas and tonics you have. I can’t remember which ones I like best.”

Me: “Yes, I will get those over to you as soon as I drop off this plate at this other table.”

Diner #1: “Well, hurry up! I can’t order my food before my drink! That would be obscene!”

I get her the “samples”, and she and her table make an order. After they eat, her friend places a large to-go order, and five minutes later, she starts waving her card at me.

Diner #2: “Hurry up and check me out! I need to leave!”

Me: “Ma’am, you just placed a big order, so your food is not even ready yet.”

Diner #2: “Well, go ask them how much longer until it’s ready!”

As she is telling me this, another man approaches, a diner from another table.

Diner #3: “You’d better not check them out before me! I’ve finished, and I need to drive all night tonight! You’re delaying me, and if I fall asleep at the wheel, it’ll be your fault!”

Me: “Sir, I will bring the machine right over.”

As I am collecting the machine, another diner from yet another table marches up to me.

Diner #4: “You! You brought me my chicken wings!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Is there a problem?”

Diner #4: “I ordered eight of the boned wings with the bleu cheese sauce and eight boneless wings with the hot sauce, but you mixed the sauces up! You put them on the wrong wings!”

Me: “Ma’am, all the sauces come on the side. You put the sauces on the wings yourself.”

Diner #4: “Well, you should have told me which wings were which! Now I need them remade!”

The boned wings clearly have bones, and the “boneless wings” are clearly just more up-market chicken nuggets, but okay?

Me: “I’ll put that order back in the kitchen for you, ma’am.”

Before I can move another step, [Diner #2] is back and moaning at me.

Diner #2: “Stop dawdling and check on my food! Is this your first time doing this? Because you seem overwhelmed.”

Cue eye-twitch.