If You’re Looking For A Sign, This Is It

Friends, Home, Michigan, Religion, Stupid, USA | Friendly | July 21, 2021

As a raised Christian who has since turned agnostic (bordering on atheistic), I make a point of maintaining an “agree to disagree” policy when communicating with other religious people. I give a simple nod and neutral reaction to any statements referring to their faith.

However, one friend I have had since high school is so deeply religious, it has me questioning whether it is faith or sheer madness. For example, she told me she had been permanently banned from returning to a church where she’d been a member for many years. I asked what happened.

Friend: “I had a dream that [Pastor] was having sex with [Twelve-Year-Old Girl]! And I knew in my heart this was a revelation from God. I told his wife about it and then told [Twelve-Year-Old Girl]’s parents that they should sit down with her and find out what was going on.”

Sometime later, she lost her job and remained unemployed for quite some time. She mentioned to me that the public assistance she was using was about to expire and she was concerned she was going to lose her apartment.

Me: “I know for a fact my job is hiring because we’ve been seriously understaffed after a group of people moved on after graduating from college. I’m great friends with the team leader and even the human resources manager; I can definitely set you up with an interview!”

Friend: “No… I don’t feel that God is leading me in that direction.”

Me: “Okay… but what are you going to do? You’re running out of time.”

Friend: “Maybe go to Syria and share the word of God with the terrorists so they will stop killing innocent people.”

Me: *Holding in various comments* “Okay, not that you would survive longer than two weeks, but how do you intend to get over there with no money and survive with no source of income?”

Friend: “God will take care of me.”

Me: “Right. Well, what’s your plan B if you aren’t able to make it out of town?”

Friend: “I have no choice but to wait on a sign from God. I’m hoping for an epiphany or for Him to send an angel to tell me what I should do next.”

I’m stunned into silence… and then I start slowly flapping my arms.

Me: “I’m Saint [My Name], sent directly from Heaven with a special message just for you. You are about to be homeless soon. Get… a… job!”

This story is part of our Best Of July 2021 roundup!