If They Were Loud Then Pigs Would Fly

(My two friends and I are customers at a popular nationwide diner chain. It is around 1 am, and we are seated near a corner table, where three loud, obnoxious diners are seated with a sleeping infant in an open carrier. I am seated with my back to them and my two friends and are, for the most part, successfully ignoring them and quietly talking amongst ourselves. The only other customers in the restaurant are two twenty-something’s seated at a small table directly across the aisle from us doing nothing but reading and trying to ignore the obnoxious diners who are using some fairly vulgar language as they complain about their days. Not surprisingly, their loud cursing wakes up their infant. A few moments later, I feel something hit the back of my neck.)

Me: *under my breath* “What the…” *reaching up to take the projectile off the back of my neck*

Friend: “What is that?”

Me: “…it’s bacon.”

(Thinking the increasingly-upset child behind me had grabbed something off the diner’s plate and accidentally thrown it my way as its parents tried unsuccessfully to calm it, I set aside the bacon from the table behind me and continued trying to ignore the loud diners behind us, as they did not directly address us after the bacon had hit me. Five or ten minutes pass.)

Loud female diner: *as she walks by our table* “THANKS FOR BEING LOUD!”

(Her two male friends both give us dirty looks as they pass us and walk towards the front register. We sit and stare in stunned silence. As the lady with the baby pays, we watch her rant to our exhausted waitress and pointing to us. When they finally leave, our waitress came over to us.)

Me: “What was that all about?!”

Waitress: “They apparently were blaming you for waking up their baby.”

Reading customer: “For what it’s worth, we didn’t even realize you guys were there until they yelled at you!”

Me: “You may want to watch out for them if they come back. They started throwing their bacon at me.”

Waitress: *stunned* “I hate the night shift.”