If There Was Ever A Guy Who Needed A Pizza…

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Shop]! This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: *Speaking slowly in a drunken raspy grumble* “…burritos?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t actually have burritos here.”

Customer: “Awww… subs?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry. We have pizza, wings, cheese sticks… things like that.”

Customer: “Ohhhh…”

There’s a long pause.

Me: “Would you like some pizza today, sir?”

Customer: “Yeeaaahhh… what’s the smallest you have?”

Me: “That would be the small. It’s a ten-inch pizza.”

Customer: *Grumbles slowly* “Oohhhhh… I want sausage… pepperoni… and finely chopped onions.”

Me: “Our onions are actually sliced into thin strips. Is that okay?”

Customer: *Grumbles disapprovingly*

Me: *Stifling laughter* “So, no onions, then?”

Customer: *In low, raspy grumble* “Noooooo… Throw some hot peppers on there.”

Me: “Jalapeños or banana peppers?”

Customer: *Drunkenly* “Ba-na-na.”

Me: *Stifling more laughter* “Anything else on there for you, sir?”

Customer: “Finely chopped tomatoes.”

Me: “Our tomatoes are diced, so they’re in kind of little cubes.”

Customer: *Low raspy grumble* “Cuuuubes…”

Me: *Trying not to crack up laughing* “Will that be all for you today, then, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be [total], and we’ll have that out to you in about forty-five minutes.”

Customer: “What’s the price?”

Me: *Repeats the total*

Customer: *Low raspy grumble* “Ooohhhhh…”

The delivery driver has been standing next to me the whole time.

Delivery Driver: “I can’t wait to meet this guy.”