If Only She Could Ear Herself

(A woman comes into our small gift store on a particularly quiet day and begins looking around. She is the only customer in the store and my boss is in back.)

Me: “Hello, can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “I just love this store; you always have such nice things here.”

Me: “Thank you. Please let me know if you need anything.”

(The woman stares at one of our displays for a few minutes and then approaches the counter where I am putting together gift baskets.)

Customer: *suddenly in an impatient voice* “I would like to make a return.”

Me: “Sure, what would you like to return?”

(She digs around in her purse and retrieves some red earrings in an obviously opened and mangled package.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but earrings are an item we consider non-returnable, just for health reasons. I hope you understand.”

Customer: “But I need the money now. I don’t like these earrings and I want my money back.”

(I should point out that the customer is well-dressed with a new manicure and expensive handbag; these are $10 earrings.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but please understand that we can’t sell used earrings.”

Customer: “But I have a receipt!”

(The customer pulls out a torn piece of a manila folder that says, “[Shop] receipt one pair earrings $10,” in red pen.)

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t accept this; it’s not… exactly…” *trails off, at a loss for words*

Customer: “I hate you! I hate you! I hate this shop. I’m never coming back!”

(The woman grabbed a bow off the counter and threw it at me, grabbed her earrings, and stormed out the door.)