If I Wanted This Many Hoops, I’d Join A Circus

All I wanted to do was cancel a subscription. That’s it. Just stop being charged for a service I hadn’t used in months. But no, this doesn’t let you cancel online. You have to call. In 2025.

So, I call.

Rep: “Hi! Thanks for calling. What can I help you with today?”

Me: “I’d like to cancel my subscription, please.”

Rep *Already fake-smiling through the phone.* “Oh no! May I ask why you’re cancelling?”

Me: “I just don’t need it anymore.” 

Rep: “But what if I offered you 50% off for the next three months?”

Me: “Still don’t need it.” 

Rep: “Okay, how about two free months?” 

Me: “I want zero more months.”

Rep: “What if I upgraded you to Premium Tier for free for one month?” 

Me: “More of the stuff I already wasn’t using.”

Rep: *Lowering voice like we’re in a spy movie.* “Okay, listen. What if I pause your subscription for ninety days, then we just see how you feel?”

Me: “I’ll feel annoyed because we’ll be having this exact same conversation in ninety days.”

Rep: “We also offer a ‘flex-hold status’ which—” 

Me: “—Sir. That’s just three made-up words in a trench coat.”

There’s a pause. I think he’s rebooting.

Rep: *Finally.* “…Okay. I’ve cancelled your subscription. Is there anything else I can help you with?” 

Me: “No thanks. And congratulations, you’ve officially made canceling a service feel like breaking up with a needy ex.” *Click.*