I Wouldn’t Want To Talk To Them, Either

(I’m awakened from a dead sleep by the phone ringing at 3:00 am. I’m a minister, so this kind of thing occasionally happens, and I figure I need to answer it. So, I stumble out to the living room and answer the phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “[Female Name]?”

Me: “No, you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “No, I don’t!” *hangs up*

(I’ve just gotten back to bed when the phone rings again.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “[Female Name]?”

Me: “Sorry, as I’ve explained, you have the wrong number. There’s no [Female Name] here.”

Caller: “D*** it, [Female Name], talk to me!”

Me: “No [Female Name] here.” *hangs up*

(Once more, I’ve just gotten to bed when the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “[Female Name]?”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry. I’ve already told you twice: you have the wrong number. There is no one named [Female Name] here.”

Caller: “No, you’re [Female Name]! Quit avoiding me, b****! [Female Name]! Talk to me!”

Me: “I can’t help you. I’m not [Female Name].”

(After that, I unplugged the phone, praying that there would not be any ACTUAL pastoral emergencies.)