I Speak Like This Not To Mock, But So You Understand: Shut Up

I’m working the box office at a movie theater on a busy Saturday, and it’s in the middle of a massive rush. Naturally, I’ve been dealing with a lot of people, and not all of them have been pleasant. A woman storms up to me, furious. She is foreign and is shrieking in broken English.

Customer: *Shrieking* “My seat filthy! Filthy! I demand clean service!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. Let me see if I can find the usher to come and check your seat.”

Customer: *Continuing to shriek at full volume* “No! You, stupid! You clean now! Or I get you fired! Clean seat now!”

I glance over to a manager and ask her to cover my register while I follow the woman.

Customer: *Growling as we walk* “Shameful service! Need clean! No clean! Should be fired!”

We eventually get to her auditorium, and she points to her seat. There are several people around staring at us. Clearly, they’re not exactly thrilled about the lady who has been freaking out. I’m confused.

Me: “Uh, ma’am… are you sure this is the right seat?”

Customer: *Bellowing* “YES!”

I lean in and take a closer look. There’s… literally nothing wrong with the seat whatsoever that I can see. It looks completely and utterly spotless.

Me: “Ma’am… this seat is clean. I’m not seeing how it’s ‘filthy’.”

Customer: “LOOK, STUPID!”

She points her finger at a very specific random spot on the seat. I literally put my face RIGHT next to her finger, only a few inches away from the fake leather that her rear end is about to be sitting on.

There is a single… teeny… tiny… minuscule… near-invisible speck of something. It’s probably just a piece of popcorn. When I say small, I mean it. This thing is a fraction of a millimeter — so small that I literally could not see it until I literally had my eye about an inch away. And it’s so small that any reasonable person would not see it, which is probably why the usher didn’t get it off.

Customer: “BAD JOB! BAD SERVICE! FILTHY, FILTHY! DO JOB NOW, STUPID! WORST CLEANING EVER SEEN! BAD!”

Annoyed that I’ve been called “stupid” three times over something that not a single rational person would even notice, let alone become violently angry about, I sigh. I stand up, look her right in the eyes, lift up my hand, and smack the seat very hard where the speck is in a sweeping motion, making sure to be as loud as I can be, while not breaking eye contact.

Me: *Bluntly* “Stupid has cleaned. Customer sit now and no complain again about fake issue. I go. Don’t follow. Buh-bye.”

Immediately, several of the people around us start chuckling and giggling while she stands there, flabbergasted. I turn and walk away.

Customer: “FIRED!”

A female customer sitting near her speaks up.

Customer #2: “Oh, shut the f*** up, b****!”

I hear more giggles and chuckles behind me.

Customer: *Obnoxiously loud and exaggerated* “Hmph!”

I didn’t even bother to turn around and see what happened.

A little while later, one of the other customers walked up to me and told me that everyone was joking about how I dealt with it. Evidently, the woman was being a huge fuss before she came and got me, and they were all deeply amused by seeing an employee who wasn’t gonna put up with her drama over a complete non-issue.

Admittedly, the fact I had just put in my two-week notice might have been a contributing factor.